Shaktimaan revisited

Watching the unintended hilarity of Shaktimaan on TV. Everyone's hamming away to glory!!! This is getting funnier by the minute.

Shaktimaan is doing past life regression with a crazed chick who claims to have been waiting for him for 5000 years. In the flashback, we get to know how the chick falls for him and tries to coax Shaktimaan into a Gandharva vivah. He has love only for God (ha ha) and tells her to bugger off. So chick takes a vow that she'll get her maan (urf Shaktimaan) and does kathor tapasya for 1500 years and becomes a mayavi chick. Only to find out that Shaktimaan's past life avataar has kicked the bucket.

Mayavi chick says WTF? She obviously knows that a moron like Shaktimaan could never get enlightened so he will eventually get reincarnated. So she waits through the ages for Shaktimaan to get reborn while retaining her sexy avatar from her past life and gets herself an imposing palace as her pad.

Cut to present and the crazed bitch has become a witch and still wants to snag Shaktimaan and has kidnapped his "kabab-me-haddi" girlfriend (actually she is not his girlfriend but he secretly pines for her).

Shaktimaan is wondering WTF? He is wondering how to get rid of this crazed chick and get the Samay Yantra from her which he needs to save Earth. "Devi, samay vyarth na karo. Samay Yantra hame do aur hume Prithvi bachane do" Memorable stuff.

Now guess what? The serial ends here. Now my turn to say WTF? Anyways, I got my daily dose of entertainment from the idiot box.

Awesome comedy scene!

GoldSafe and similar fraud shows

As usual, the idiot box is on while I am surfing the internet and watching the inane stuff that shows up on late night. In addition to the usual teleshopping ads, there is a new kind of unbelievable con that is legally allowed on Indian television. There is a program called GoldSafe on NDTV Imagine (and there are similar shows on other channels as well). The con goes like this - you identify the face of a celebrity which is partially hidden and win money for the guessing the right answer. The face is generally easily recognizable and the presenter - an ever chattering nincompoop that incessantly keeps asking people to call and win the moolah. You will have loads of clowns calling up and dreaming up names that do not even remotely resemble the celebrity in question. I am pretty sure that they are people hired by the show to change accents and names call up with all kinds of funny wrong answers.

The charges are freaking exorbitant (Rs12 a minute) and the time keeps piling up without any discernible end in sight. Right now, it's almost an hour and no one has guessed the obvious face. How do they manage to get people to hold? They keep having these 1-2 minute timers which keep popping up interlaced with the constant chatter of the unbelievably stupid low-life drones asking people to pick up the phone and call. Then they have the 4-6 minute speed round where there is no wait and all are let in. Finally, when the con takes too long (which is usually the case), they have a final 5 where the last 5 callers are chosen.

This must be incredibly lucrative for the channel and the producers but can't help but wonder how many viewers are left holding the bag. I don't know how this can be legally allowed. Makes the junk sold on the teleshopping network look benign in comparison.

Goes on to prove the proverb - A fool and his money are soon parted. And there is no end to the number of fools or the number of people helping them part with their money.

I believe that viewers should vote with their remotes and avoid channels like unscrupulous channels like NDTV Imagine that help perpetrate these kinds of fraud

The power of 3 words!

Wait, wait, not those 3 words... I am talking of "Poore pachaas hajaar". Amongst the supporting characters in Sholay, Sambha shot to fame immediately. But do you know, he said only 3 words in the entire movie? Yes he did! watch the movie one more time. I am sure he might have said those 3 life changing words million times throughout his life.

Sholay was Mac Mohan's 12th movie. He has acted in 156 movies till date. In his recent movie "Luck By Chance", his only dialog was: "Poore pachaas hajaar"!

Intellectual or dumb? Watch Sakharam Binder

I saw this play with such great interest only to realize that I am too dumb to understand and appreciate the intellectual capabilities of the play writer and what his characters had to portray. Written by Vijay Tendulkar, this play was initially banned in India but translated in various languages and played at theaters in NY, Europe, etc. Marathi version had Sayagi Shinde and Sonali Kulkarni, both my favourite actors(English version was played by Sarita Choudhury and Bernard White in 2004). While most part of the play is very interesting and extremely indulging, it had the traits of great art work, which is: incomplete or abstract. Yes, for me the play ends abruptly without conclusion. For me Sonali Kulkarni for the first time was not at her best. she over acted in many scenes... Sayagi Shinde is a master actor, he should get an oscar or something. Wish the ending was better, but thats only me. I have no rights to criticize the work of a great playwright.

Above: Original poster of Sakharam Binder (Should be 1972 when it was first performed):

Ramu on the spree to defy himself: Agyaat

Phoonk, Bhoots, Naach, Aag and now Agyaat...

"Agar Ramu ka koi dushman hai too wo hai Ramu khud", is probably what he must be saying in filmy e-style after the release of his recent ramu-flop. Yes "ramu-flop", because "flop" or "super-flop" seems pale in front of what his movies do at box-office or where ever they play... No one reported but I am sure many might have broken there TV sets or committed suicide after watching Agyaat. I wonder who dare to watch or play such movie in Cinema Theater.

The story:

"_______".

Above statement is the story of that movie. Yes blank! There is no story. There is no script, no direction, no acting, no real songs, no nothing... A bunch of cinema crew keep walking in an forest for the duration of the movie until most of them encounter random death; and when your brain reach the point of frustration ramu ends the movie saying, rest will be revealed in part 2!

My take on this movie:

Ramu gathered a bunch of new comers and asked them to contribute money for a Jungle picnic. As the collection exceeded his budget, he spends the excess money doping himself. Drugged ramu ended up shooting home videos of his jungle trip. At the end of his trip (still doped) he edits his clippings and releases it as Agyaat.

Ramu will eventually end up in gunnies book or win an special category Oscar for most unique and weird flops. I remember, when I saw Road I fought with my friends and explained them how Ramu's perspective is different, bla, bla... Then Naach happened and my entire frame of Ramu's image broke and shattered into pieces. He made Abhishekh Batchan, the son of Amitabh Batchan + Jaya and the grand son of ...(okay I dont want to mention a great man’s name here) literally crawl on the floor like an earthwork with salt over him. This guy has powers to convince big names to act for his movies. What surprises me even further is that Ramu has the guts to defend himself. He does not hesitate to say that all the -ve reviewers are fools; and that he fails to understand why his movies flop! Damn not a single taker on this planet... He should start a film institute and amongst other things groom his students to understand and appreciate his movie.

Chaddi Girl:

aka nisha aka priyanka kothari. What's wrong with this girl? Is she obsessed by or caged by a mad man? Can she not see the outcome of her work (or whatever it is)? She has shed every single of cloth permitted by the sensor board, yet she has not reached any where. Like Mumbai bars, she even changed her name, but no result. Suggestion to nisha, get away from ramu... I dont know what you are good for, but your path is certainly that of destruction... not your, our!

Jungle:

Ramu has mastered the jungle. Ever since the movie Jungle, ramu has used the woods in numerous films. Being a nature lover myself, I can appreciate the way Ramu portrays the Jungle... but then this is not NGC documentary. The most creative part of Agyaat was the weird and spooky trees. Ramu certainly has eye for trees, who else can boast such talent?

Camera angles:

I remember a scene where the camera started moving from top of a water fall and continued all the way down. There were many such weired obsure camera movements and angles. If some one would had shot the camera man filming in all such difficult positions, that would had been another movie in its own right.

What he writes on his blog:

"AGYAAT was designed as a concept on whether I as a director can through the use of just sound efx, background music and camera movements create a being just in the imagination of the audience and not show it at all"

Now that is called as fooling the audience. Ramu has certainly taken the audience for granted. Come on, people do experiments and research, but they don’t package and market the result as finished product to the junta. My advice to ramu: play with your camera, puppets and idea but at least seek some unbiased third or second opinion before releasing or calling it as “movie”.

Finally:

I won’t be surprised if Ramu's next movie is Tarzen remake, as he already has discovered and mastered all the ingredients required for such movie: Jungle, new comers who would do anything for vada pav, local pass and Rs 20 per day, A sizzling dumb girl, and lots of animal sound (as he cannot afford real animal).

Why did I post my thoughts? Because I wanted to get them out of my head... Watch the movie, it is certainly thought provoking, in a diffrent way!

The most hilarious english desi video

This is a hilarious dance video from Dorairaj Bhagawan's 1978 Kannada film 'Operation Diamond Rocket' starring movie superstar Raj Kumar.

The lyrics go...
'If you come today.. its too early
If you come tomorrow.. its too late!
You pick the timeeeeeee
tick tick tick tick.'

If you die laughing, please don't blame me...

India TV sucks!

Can you believe this crap? This piece of news is about a love triangle between a tiger and a tigress (who is 3 years older)... India TV is the pits... This same junka*s television news channel played what seems like a "hoax" call with a terrorist during the 26/11 terrorist attack in Mumbai. Barkha Dutt should join this news channel... It would be a match made in heaven!

Presenting the world's most pathetic dance video

Lo and behold! A funny video clip for your viewing pleasure



The origins of this comedy masterpiece are unknown but I presume that this belongs to some B-grade movie. The dance sequence is ably assisted with some moves that seem vaguely similar to physical training exercises in primary school. The lipsync and sublime expressions are unbelievable... Must be an ultimate frustroo movie (note the gratuitous groping of the actress)

I want to learn this new dance form from the choreographer... Please let me know if any of you find out anything about this movie, actor or choreographer...

What's happening with TV

I am watching TV and I hear these dialogues... "तुम्हारी भक्ति से प्रसन्न होकर ही मैंने तुम्हे मरने से बचाया था".. "अपनी आत्मा मे झांको और तुम मुझे ही पावोगी"... This is not from "Sai Baba" or "Jai Mata Di" but from "Ssshhhh Phir Koi Hai" - A horror serial... What the f**k? यह क्या हो रहा है...

"कैसे बचावोगे अपने पति परमेश्वर को" "मे तो अपने पति को बचावूंगी चाहे उसके लिए मुझे अपने प्राण की बलि क्यों न देनी पड़े" This episode is enlightening... सही dialogue है... There should be more of this on TV

"मे कितना खुश नसीब हू की तुम्हारे वजह से मुझे माँ के दर्शन हो गए" This is how the episode ends...

मे कितना खुश नसीब हू की यह episode के दर्शन हुवे | भक्त जनों | जय माता दी |

True rumors about "Shootout at Lokhandwala"

As the movie tagline suggests, this movie is about true rumors. And rumors (true or untrue) are best left alone to die their own death. But the keedas in me (hyperactive worms named after the famous Reimann and Suleiman) and the persistence of a friend smitten by Ganpat made me wander into Sanjays' booby trap. To top it all, I had to buy the movie tix in black at twice the prices. This is what they call "Bad luck kharaab hai".

What is this movie about? The true rumors are based on a ill-fated "police encounter" in broad daylight that happened many aeons ago - ill-fated not because of the incident but because it was the inspiration for this horrible movie. Apoorva Lakhia said in an interview that everyone knows what they were doing on Nov, 16th 1991, the day of the shootout. Someone must tell him to lay off the wild mushroom chilly he is eating since it is not really helping him. With people dropping like flies in Mumbai (from crime, disease, accidents, etc), the only reason to have this etched in memory would be an ill-behaved, constipated turd timing its way out of the back end at the exact same time of reading this piece of news.

Anyways, the movie is shot in sutradhar style, the role being performed by the Big-B who plays a sceptical lawyer defending our trigger happy Pandoos post the incident. The movie rolls on in flashback as the Pandoos explain their side of the story to the Big-B who is the voice of reason (or the lack of it). Its a good thing that the Big-B has age on his side since a bit of senility targeting the right brain cells could induce amnesia to forget this thunder blunder. He was so grating in his role that the few drunks who had paid to sleep in the AC woke up and started asking for refunds. The Pandoos are Sanjoo baba playing the pooper top cop with side-kicks, Suneil Anna and Arbaaz. We find out how the ATS (Anti-terrorist squad) was formed though I am sure none of us would have cared less. A few scenes with them battling Khalistani terrorists Bollywood ishtyle and a completely wasted sequence with Abhishek Bachaan and you are wondering WTF? Dia Mirza, the forgettable excuse for a reporter makes her entry and does her bit to add to the reels to make it 3 hours long.

In the meantime, while i was busy attempting astral projection to get out of the theatre, the movie moves on to Maya Dolas, the main villain of this masterpiece. Maya is this cool dude who is as obsessed with being bad as the pooper scooper Pandoo is to do away with it. He wears a smirk over his face and an attitude to go with it (and manages to keep it all the way to his sordid end). He is given company by ace shooters Dilip Buva, Fattu (a shooter who shat his pants in his first killing), RC (a drunkard who is tormented by ghosts of an earlier killing till the very end) and Doubling (another Lakhia). Some moments are spent/wasted/whatever on their meteoric rise ably sprinkled with some dance bar item song sequences with Arti Chabbria. Maya ki Aai is played by Amrita Singh. It would be simpler to make Govinda sound like an American with accent training than for her to sound like a Marahastrian lower middle class mother.

As I attempt to vomit my intestines out, we move onto the much awaited shootout after a lot of asides/distractions. I wonder if there is any saving grace in this sordid affair. But Maya (pun intended) had something else in mind. The Bollywood predilection of having wrongs righted and getting justice done gets in the way. The baddies who know a a**-whupping, when they smell one, call up their loved ones for a final tear-jerking apology for getting on the wrong path. This is followed by pairing up of the goodies-baddies fight as per the pecking order in the movie (Sanjoo-Viveik, Anna-Tushaar, etc). To top it all, in all cases, the bullets dry up and the fights have to be settled in hand-to-hand combat and the 230+ pandoo extras don't offer a helping hand knowing Bollywood rules of Physics,, Logic and Temporality all too well.

By now, my brain is burning oxygen like crazy to avoid becoming an ingredient in a mixed vegetable menu. Thankfully, Maya (the other one) steps in, Big B mumbles along and instead of arguing the case asks a single question to the judge (check the movie to find out the question) and the judge lets our pandoos free without asking for a 50-50 or a call to the friend (probably he was too scared of being bored to death). The credits roll by and I am transported back from the bizarro world into the world where logic reigns.

Now for the mis-casts and their super-performances. "I-ham-therefore-I-am" Viveiaaak Oberoi (A name change is in order to avoid all the bad karma associated with this masterpiece and Nakshaz) as Maya is at his ham-mer ham-ster ham-err-hoidal best. He is ably assisted by Tussharr Kapoor as the ace shooter Dilip Buva (reminded me of Sachin "Aai la" Tendulkar with the matching rich baritone). Don't ask about the other baddies - they were meant to be tofu to make it 3 hours long. Sanjoo baba playing the pooper cop is stylish and slick and his usual filmi self (refusing a bulletproof vest in a shootout). Anna amidst making blank calls to his estranged wife and rants about police casualties does not have much to write home about. Arbaaz - I don't know what he is doing in this movie - if you find out, let me know. Apoorva Lakhia - now that's another matter. If someone knows a mobster, can you put a supari on his vegetable head? The people who have watched this trash would gladly pay a few bucks to ensure that this torture does not get repeated again.

The verdict: You can safely watch and enjoy this movie if someone is willing to babysit your brain in your absence.

Why do Superheroes wear undies

It seems to be a commonly expected phenomenon. Yet I have not seen anyone delve into the basics of why undies on pants. The dearth of research on so important a subject is appalling. After several years of pain staking research involving austere penances in the Himalayas, generous doses of Sweet Leaf, thousands of hours worth of comics and Cartoon Network, I have found the reason for the undies.

Superheroes are always on the run. They spend most of their time flying in the sky, running around city blocks, cavorting with pretty women and the like. What can they do if they have to take a dump or a leak when the world needs them most? Most superheroes are just as anatomically challenged as we are when it comes to excretionary processes. Well, a few from outer space like Superman have been spared this daily ordeal but they are the exception rather than the rule.

Anyone who has been required to hold back a dump or a leak knows how hard it is? Also, this malaise usually hits you when you are in deep s**t (pun intended) which is generally what most superheroes are in, most of the time. Imagine yourself holding back your excretions while fighting supervillains with the involvement of super powers on either end. It takes a lot of effort just keeping up in the fight and not getting your a$$ whupped by a supervillain. But as all of us bladder challenged know, (intuitively I hope for most of us and for the unfortunate few through the stains of experience) a small loss of focus is the difference between success and failure.

Well, to cut a long story short, our superheroes have no options but to crap their pants. Obviously, it won't look good if superheroes have stains on their pants. I still think that it would be good for the world. Why? Most supervillains would give up the fight and die in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Yet, any supervillain without a sense of humor would sound the death knell for the world. Hence, probably that's not the solution. Now, our superheroes are generally, as a rule, troubled beings with deep complexes. Hence, carrying on a fight with stained pants is not such a good idea for our superheros' confidence.

Now, onto the brilliant solution, a diaper shaped undie with a cool belt to take attention away from the "crime scene". Simple, eh! You would still have the squelchy feeling which I think would not be fun. But then again, when you are being pounded by one or more supervillains, the pain helps keep the focus on the fight. An intelligent reader could argue in favor of superhero sanitary napkins. But then most superhero comics would be adult-fare out of reach for all children. Can you think of a reason for the bulge in the pants other than a overdose of Viagra?

Now why does Superman wear a undie? Well, it is a show of solidarity, a superhero union requirement and mostly a red herring to throw people off and mask what would be superheroes' biggest weakness!!!

The THE movies

Bollywood, if you noticed has a commonly accepted, unwritten for movies titles. Quite a few movie titles have adopted this nomenclature.
The nomenclature: {Hindi title}: the {English title}

Here is a list of some of "the" movies for your knowledge!
Aatish: Feel the Fire
Aastha: In the Prison of Spring
Angaar: The Fire
Ansh: The Deadly Part
Bhumika: The Role
Biwi-O-Biwi: The Fun-Film
Chhal: The Game of Death
Dhaal: The Battle of Law Against Law
Dhund: The Fog
Dil Aashna Hai (...The Heart Knows)
Ehsaas: The Feeling
Ek Rishtaa: The Bond of Love
Encounter: The Killing
Gautama the Buddha
Ghaav: The Wound
Giddh: The Vulture
Gupt: The Hidden Truth
Hatya: The Murder
Humse Badhkar Kaun: The Entertainer
Inteqam: The Perfect Game
Iyer the Great
Jaal: The Trap
Karobaar: The Business of Love
Karz: The Burden of Truth
Khamoshi: The Musical
Khanjar: The Knife
Khooni Ilaaka: The Prohibited Area
Kisna: The Warrior Poet
Kohram: The Explosion
Kumkum the Dancer
Manorama: The Legend
Manu the Great
Miss India: The Mystery
Mudda: The Issue
Nayak: The Real Hero
Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose: The Forgotten Hero
Pandavas: The Five Warriors
Pehchaan: The Face of Truth
Phoolan: The First Rebel
Prahaar: The Final Attack
Ramayana: The Legend of Prince Rama
Rocky: The Rebel
Suraag: The Clue
Saawan: The Love Season
Sanatta: The Silence
Sansani: The Sensation
Sarhad: The Border of Crime
Shakti: The Power
Shart: The Challenge
Shivaji: The Boss
Souten: The Other Woman
Sur: The Melody of Life
Taarzan: The Wonder Car
Talaash: The Hunt Begins
Vaastav: The Reality
Vajra: The Weapon
Veerappan: The Last Bandit
Waqt: The Race Against Time
Zameer: The Awakening of a Soul


The-Movies with similar english title and same Hindi title:
Insaaf: The Final Justice (1997)
Insaaf: The Justice (2004)

The-Movies with the same english title
Konarak: The Sun Temple (1949)
Konrak: The Sun Temple (1983)

The-Movies that modified the nomenclature!
The Death Sentence: Mrityu Dand
The Hero: Love Story of a Spy
Daud: Fun on the Run
Antarmahal: Views of the Inner Chamber
Jeet: Feel the Force
Kagaar: Life on the Edge

Movies with missing Hindi title:
The Great Gambler
The Goal
The Killer
The Gentleman
The Gang
The Fire
The Film
The Don
The Car

Award:
And the award for the best "the-title" movie in Bollywood goes to:
Kutta: the Dog!
Well, you might not heard about this movie. This is a nested movie. This movie was made inside another Bollywood movie: Bhola in Bollywood. So if you want more information on this award winning movie, you will have to watch Bhola in Bollywood.

TATA- The good bye

The "Chaddi Gal" is back in "The Killer"

Chaddi Gal kaun?

You probably haven't read my James review.

I am referring to Nisha Kothari. She was introduced by Ramu in Sarkar and unleashed (literally) again by Ramu in James. She did sound like a promising "figure" in the new line of exposure. But I must say her charm is not showing up any longer. To my dismay she was wrapped in a saree instead of small chaddis in The-Killer! We might have to wait for Ramu to reincarnate the chaddi gal with better outfit.

Moving ahead ... lets discuss the movie.

Why did I see the movie?
Obviously because I had time and a dollar to spare. But on a serious note, I like to watch Irfan Khan on screen. Remember his movie "7½ Phere" with Juhi,. He acted so well.

Movie name is missing.
As per the popular Bollywood nomenclature (Daag: the fire, Gupt: The Hidden Truth, Daud: Fun on the Run, etc), this movie has a missing title. "The Killer" as per Bollywood nomenclature is only the second part of the title. Where is the first part? here are some suggestions:
Khuni: The Killer
Tharki: The Killer
For an extensive list of "the" movies, see the following post.

They did it again!
Again they made a movie in which the police show up on time and kill the villian; hero-heroine sing ding-dong happily ever after. BTW, "police show up on time" is justified by the fact that we are not talking about Indian Police, this is Dubai police.

I wish they killed the hero:
The fact that "Imran Hashmi" is an hero in any Bollywood movie, is so untolerable. I would love to watch Tushar Kapoor more than Hashmi. Irfan Pathan looks good in his "villain, the killer" role. I was really hoping that Irfan kills Hashmi in the final sequence, but that didn't happen. Think about this: Chaddi gal kills Hashmi for some XYZ reason, and finally chaddi-gal runs away with the Killer for some ABC reason! Wah, kya ending hota!!!!!

Sets:
The distance traveled by any Hindi movie for its shoot is directly proportional to the finance and the fees of people involved in it. For instance, it is obvious to expect Karan Johar's movie with Shah Rukh Khan and Preity to be shot in probably the farthest most expensive place: New York. The most expensive possession in "the Killer" was Irfan Khan. Obviously the producers were on a tight budget after paying Irfan. With budget so tight, cast so unworthy and demand of script to be shot in a foreign location (Note: The main theme of this movie is Police on time which cannot happen in India). So where do you go? Dubai-eeeeeeee! Dubai perfectly fits in the equation.

• It is foreign, technically.
• Rates of Dubai air ticket are equal or less then the Mumbai-Delhi ticket.
  
• You have Hindi/Urdu speaking people, so you can design your script better.
• It becomes easy for you to sell your movie in the middle east.
• Dubai looks more foreign then any other affordable foreign locations.

Bottom line:
Watch the movie only with friends on small screen. Do not expect a lot from the chaddi gal. Irfan Khan is average. Movie script is stolen from Hollywood movie and executed in the typical Bhat e-style. Songs i.e. item numbers, are just average. You might like the very first item number! Chaddi-gal did do a little jalwa in it.

time+dimaag ka dahi+expectations-bad performance-no innovation-no heat=paisa barbad

Asinine, puerile vomit of an excuse for an ad

You have to check out the new Emami "Fair and Handsome" ad that's on the telly these days. A young man scampers around surreptiously in a ladies hostel. Is he a cross dresser looking for women's clothes? Is he a pervert looking for lingerie? Is he a peeping Tom looking for a steamy scene? Nope, he is a dark man looking for good old Fair and Lovely fairness cream. What drives this man to go through all this trouble rather than checking his friendly neighborhood medical store? Beats me. Is Emami trying to pass a subliminal message that ''Dark is dumb'' along with the ''Dark is ugly'' message? Maybe, they have a ''Fair and Handsome and Intelligent'' product coming up.

Anyways, the women get to know, scream and chase him. A passing male jogger and our dark desperado hide behind the flower pots to avoid the bashing to follow. Our innocent jogging partner is not mad about getting needlessly stuck in this jamboree but pissed at the fact that our dark desperado is a man and is still using women's fairness cream. Miffed and without his fix (of Fair and Lovely fairness cream), our dark desperado gets the Aakashvaani (divine voice from Emami) informing him of the Fair and Handsome product. Daily application of the same for 6-8 weeks and, voila, our dark desperado is transformed from his hideous decrepit dark self into a fair and handsome young man. He metamorphoses into a veritable chick magnet with cries of ''Hi Handsome'' from women rending the air.

Can anything be more dumb than this? A reality check is in order. If a man would enter a ladies hostel, he would be looking for fair and lovely and not ''Fair and Lovely''. Emami has made a whole business out of the Indian dark skin inferiority complex. The product is a stupid concept since it cures the wrong problem - the problem is in the mind not the complexion.

But this asinine, puerile vomit of an excuse for an ad makes me want to administer a can of whupass on the admen responsible for it.

Kkkkya hoga Nikkkkammo kkka

When I saw the serial "Kya Hoga Nimmo Ka", the phrase ''Majha Kkkhauuu mala dya'' came to mind - which in Marathi means ''Give me my food''. In Mumbai, this is the sign on most trashcans (the only places you are not supposed to spit and throw garbage) which is where this stinkipuss belongs. BTW, the extra K's in the phrase and the title are in keeping with the fetish of its creator. Yup, this foray into non-soapish detergents is from the mother of all malodorous soaps - the dreaded Ekta Kapoor of Balaji Telefillums.

What is this serial you might ask? A happy go lucky middle class simpleton with a heart of gold and a special relationship with God. In other words, a Jassi wanna-be with a twist. Jassi took off on Sony and the me-toos were not too far behind. The glasses are gone but sickening sweet and innocent are still there in big shades (pun intended). Its no wonder that garbage also rhymes with cabbage. So if you miss Jassi and your medication is not working or your psychiatrist is out on vacation, this sweet and sour Lassi will do wonders to your already crumbling sanity.

Most episodes so far showcase Nimmo's finer qualities or are littered with Nimmo's cribs with God which seems to be the highlight of this serial. Needless to say, it grinds on your nerves since the episodes are reinforced with serious bouts of overacting. I wish God would get pissed and end our misery with a well directed bolt of lightning. Lassi is ably assisted by a few props (I mean actors) - two bimbo sisters, an irritating bald father, a nondescript mother and a super irritating maid - who so far have not added much to the story line. God is played by none other than the (Ab)Surd King of Senseless Verbiage, Navjot Singh Sidhu. Its funny how Ekkie baby goes out of her way with the numerology and astrology thingies and then does something to piss God off. All the more reason for that much desired seering bolt from the blue.

At this point, the Cinderella bits are in the process of development with two (yes you heard me right) Prince Charmings. The serial can be termed as irritating at this point in time. But I count myself among the ''udathe huve parinde ke par ginne vale'' types in spotting a crappy serial in its infancy. And this one has all the hallmarks of one right now - from the actors to the script. A love story is cooking and the stink will soon hit the fan. If scraping nails on a blackboard is your pasttime, you would do well to add yourself to this serial's viewership. Otherwise, like the rest of us, put on your raincoats and dive for cover.

Move over Rover, a load of crap is taking over

Star One started out to be a haven for those sick and tired of the saas-bahu types. Initially, it had a good mix of serials - The Great Indian Laughter Challenge, The Great Indian Comedy Show, Nach Baliye, Instant Khichdi, Special Squad, Dil Kya Chahta hai, Bluff Master, Men Maange More and the like. Of course, they had their share of horrendous ones. I'll sum them up with one nightmarish representative - Remix. Well, it's good enough if you hit more than you miss. Further, this could have been part of Star Care social service to keep the IQ challenged occupied and unperturbed by thought or reason.

Off late, the channel has gone to the dogs. Some serials ran out of steam and some died a natural death. The popular ones have been resurrected with garish make-up and a fervent hope that no ones notices the stench. Examples are Nach Baliye in a new form and Laughter Challenge II. A few more braindead serials for the IQ challenged have been introduced to give Remix company. Case in point - ''India Appalling'' (read ''India Calling'') and 'Yeh Dil Maange More'. Now horror of horrors - the K brigade has been let in through the backdoor. Yup, none other than the pride of Balaji Telefilms and the 'that-whose-name-must-not-be-spoken' who made TV inaccessible to the IQ-more-than-vegetables audience - Ekkkkta KKKKapoor. She has introduced one more nasty piece of poop - Kya Hoga Nikammo ka. Or is it Nimmo ka? Who the hell cares? It is a bucketload of drivel nonetheless.

In short, being different and entertaining takes time, effort and brains which I think the channel has decided not to expend. To use the logic of George from Seinfeld, the serials on this channel are being made with the assumption that people will watch it because it's on TV. It's much easier to be mediocre and that's where I guess the channel is fading away. This (com)mode of mediocre entertainment is a paid channel which makes me want to call up my cable operator and ask for my 'mon' back and sue for damages. My suggestion would be to rename the channel Scar One

Pros: Most of the serials in this channel could be effectively used in psychometric tests to detect lack of brain activity and differentiate between vegetative and intelligent states. This, of course, can only be experimented on born vegetables because even comatose patients would make a run for the door if subjected to the crap dished out by this channel. See now there's a plus (but I guess that honor has already been garnered by the other Plus - Star Plus)

Cons: This channel could be a conspiracy hatched by orthodox hawkish neo-conservative groups in the US in connivance with News Corp (owners of Star and Fox) for state propaganda in enemy states (India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Middle East, etc) to dumb down their generations to come. But then again, this channel cannot wreak more havoc than Star Plus. :-)

Be cool or be dead

I am speechless and lost for words as I write this review for this serial "Remix" on Star One. No words can describe the load of crap heaped by Star One on unsuspecting viewers. To describe Remix in one sentence ''Four dumb-as* nitwits and their friends suffering from a deep rooted urge to look cool''

The story revolves around Maurya high - a school for the dimwitted. Freaks of the world unite! Freedom is at hand and Star One's the stage to parade it. The chains are off and all the numbskulls can now rejoice and show their wares in this Dumb and Dumber extravaganza.

The protagonist's in this story are four
This piece of s**t should rhyme with bore
If you see it and desire more
Its time to check your IQ score

Anyways, the four specimens in this serial are - An industrialist's bimbo daughter who refers to herself in the third person, a i-try-way-too-hard-to-be-cool politician's son, a non-conformist star actress's daughter and a i-have-come-up-the-hard-way rural fart who also sometimes refers to himself in the third person (and is paired with the bimbo of course). A pluralist group with a defined ethos - Be cool or be dead. They wish they were cool and I wish they were dead.

You got to hand it to Star One for this beaut. This experience is akin to getting waxed in the pubic area. Not that I have tried it but this would be darn close. Few of you might wonder why I am not relating the story for this masterpiece. Humble apologies, dear friend, I do not have much to state on that front since there is none. The storyline is truly inane with characters slipping in and out faster than you can stand around and wonder how dumb these fools are.

Their conception of a teen resembles a dumb neurotic with an inferiority complex and an unforgiving itch to rebel and act cool at any cost. What do they have to do to pay the price of cooldom? Blurt out cool sounding phrases like dude, bhaggu, and similar sound bites to make up for real sentences. Rebel! Rebel! Rebel! Rebel against everything and everyone as if rebellion were going out of style. Have a posse of dumb sidekicks for constant reassurance. The last one actually does make sense. If I were as braindead as one of these characters, I would need my share of dumber nitwits to reassure me that a few more exist between me and the apes

A few must haves before watching the serial - a concrete wall, a Webster's dictionary (the full shebang - no abridged versions here) and a baseball bat. Bang your head on the concrete wall many times to achieve a state of delirium - the actual repetitions needed depend on your current state of delirium. Use the dictionary any time you feel yourself slipping out back into the intelligent world. Finally, when you reach a stage where life ceases to have all meaning, use the baseball bat to club yourself out of existence. (Please don't use the baseball bat on the TV since other people at home might be watching saner stuff)

The serial could be a useful tool for Zen buddhists for developing patience. The trouble is that you might be dead or get insane if you are not cut out to be a Zen Buddhist

Sentenced to death by India Calling

''India Calling'' seems to be one of the dumbest shows I have seen on television in a long time. Hats off to Star One for this one. Its pure excruciating torture - a mix between a heady Suraj Barjatya concoction (need i say more than the phrases ''lousy feel good'' and ''sickening sweet''), a bad David Dhawan script (for the obvious crappy jokes) and a later day B grade Mithun flick (for the senseless script). Does it have a defined script or is someone making it up as the serial chugs along? There is no direction to the story except an obsessive inclination to instill a ''feel good'' factor and fake Indian pride.

Oh for godsakes get it over with... I can't take any more of the episodes. In fact, they are so apalling that I seem to have developed a masochistic streak to see if they can get any worse. And the director manages to surprise (read shock) me with ever trashier fare.

The engagement, trip to mumbai, search for sister, interview, re-interview, ...., the darts contest, the kabaddi match and the never-ending variants of the ''prove your Indianness'' contests. I wonder what they were smoking when they came up with this? Must be some really bad stuff (the ones that make you see giant roaches and reptiles)! Three episodes are potent enough to make one strangle oneself and to get Lord Yama's bull at the door to haul one off to the nether world. For once, it would be a blessing to be like the Gandhian monkeys.

A few suggestions for possible uses of the IC (India Calling) show
- Hand it to the CIA for use in fourth degree torture methods in Guantanamo Bay, Afghanistan and other places. The videos will have to be diluted with a bit of common sense to avoid risking eternal madness or a quick and easy death (Kind of like the 50-50 ad - isme sense bhi hai aur nonsense bhi)
- 3 video packs to jails as an aid to capital punishment (Sentenced to death by India Calling)
- Single video packs to jails for use in social rehabilitation programs. This will serve as a permanent deterrent for even the most hardened criminals.
- 3 episode Euthanasia packs for hospitals (also suicide packs for death seekers).
- A 6-Episode Indian Roulette pack. One in Six will be a non-IC video.
- Put a stop to cross-border terrorism by installing bullet-proof plasma screens on the border and relay these videos 24x7 every day

Top 10 list: Ram Gopal Verma's Strategies...

1. Sizzle and drizzle the lead actress as much as you can, staying in censor limits. Try to get a fresh face if possible.
2. Show violence to the core, with Mumbai in back drop.
3. Have some "surprise" elements here and there.
4. Use and throw: Count on newcomers. He is really good in hunting talent.
5. Innovative background music. He has been using this kind of music in many of his movies: Road, Sarkar, Naach ... and many others.
6. Finally, end the movie abruptly! Entire movie can be "typical", but not the ending.
7. Don't let the lead actor/actress (who are newcomers most of the time) open their mouth. Just cash on the face and body value. Muu khulnae pae insaan ke asliyat bahar aati hai, Vivek is an example. I thought he was a macho man, when I first saw Company! :(
8. Portray every hero as an angry young man (even if he is a cute faced guy)
9. Experiment on weird formulas like Road, Main madhuri, Bhoot, etc ... who knows what the audience might like?
10. Last but the worst: Make one good movie, followed by a dozen flop fantasy experiments!

Another Ram Gopal Verma fantasy.

mumbai
+ sizzling babes
+ corrupt politicians and policeman
+ typical bollywood goondas
And one Tarzan-Bruce Lee types hero to fight them all!

This is JAMES..

What to expect from the movie? (not much, he he)

1. Ramu masala, typical bollywood ishtyle...
2. Veeru Devgan style, fight sequences.
3. Chor-police-chor-police chases...
4. A Bruce Lee types hero (read the hero section)
5. Sizzzling songs and a lengthy lingerie’s advertisement.
6. "Some" shots (special effects kind) are stunning.
7. Ram Gopal Verma's innovative haunting background scores that don't go very well with screen play.

Hero?

1. A typical very confident hindi fillum super hero, whose only meherbani was that he didn't dodge bullets or catch swords in his hands.
2. No bullet can strike him, no villain can kill him, no policeman can chase him.
3. It seems Ramu wanted to cast Bruce Lee, but the nearest he could get was this guy.
4. Now chill ... he is no way near to Bruce Lee.
5. They have provided no justification on why he is such a great fighter.
6. His physique is supposed to be body builder types but is no way close to that. He is still under developed.
7. Dialogue delivery? Thankfully he had no dialogues in the movie.
8. Dance? Thankfully he didn't dance in the movie.
9. Humor? Thankfully he was not humorous in the movie.
10. So what's new in him? He has his face pierced!! He he he ... Maybe a Goan thing, as per RGV :S
    

Heroine?
You know who she is: The girl who played a small role of “movie actress” in Sarkar. Every one might have his own view about her face/body etc... So I wont say much on that part. They made her sizzle in every possible frame. She either got herself some "inner clothes" or some "outer clothes". And if her clothes (whatever) were not transparent enough, water did the job. Smallest possible chaddis I might have seen in recent times! Basically another pretty face that is nicely exposed in the movie (all in censor limits). I can’t imagine about the edited sequences and what might have happened on and behind the sets!

Villain?

1. He covers his face with so much hair that only a small portion of his face is visible
2. People should really really hate this kind of character
3. For some unknown reason, he always tilts his neck or moves it around. Another way of being more villainish
4. He is the ultimate power, every one in mumbai including the police fear him
   
5. He has the governmentt and entire legal system under him
6. He will shoot more bullets then words
7. He will finally fight with the hero one on one since his ego is hurt! Very very filmi... I always have hopes from a movie villain, but this guy ruined it all.

Rest of the cast?

1. Most of the Sarkar side-actors
2. Sarkar's main villain acts as an part time villain.
3. Baki ka public from Ramu's typical crew.
4. I wont disclose the surprise cast element, in case you guys plan (dare) to watch the movie. (Probably the only enjoyable part, if you have no interest in the movie girl)
   

Bottom line:
This movie looks more like Ramu's fantasy for the heroine and over use of Sarkar cast and sets. Basically a low budget by-product of Sarkar with no script, purpose, entertainment value or justification for the exposure and violence. Watch it on video or vcd. Don't bother to waste your money on DVD if it costs more in your part of the world.

@heroiiiiiiiiiine(stills of Amoha from the movie)

Sarkar-Muze jo atcha lagta hai, may karta huun

Hamae jo aatcha laga, hum nae kiya!

Fri 9^th, 10pm, Taco Cabana @ Johnes and FM1960 intersection, Houston, Texas.

After a long day at office and 7 matches of rigorous volley ball, 6 desis planned for the final 10:30pm show of Sarkar played at W. Belfort Cinema some 35-40 miles from the above location. We had to drive atleast 70 mph average if we had to hit the cinema hall on or before time! And we all were like: Muzae jo atcha lagta hai may karta huun! That is, high spirits

We decided to trust the online review, star cast, story line and of course Ramu! After a quick partial dinner at taco cabana, I looked at friend driving the other car and in hindi filmi estyle said, “Boss, aaj bhagana hai!”. The other guy reverted back with more then expected enthusiasm saying, “Too bhagatae hai aaj fir!”. He smoked his tires, and within no time we were on Johnes, chasing each other crossing the max allowable speed, which is 45mph! Exiting johns and entering B-8 took us atleast 10 minutes, due to traffic, lights and bad road (for those not aware, many roads in US suck!). For obvious reasons, we decided to take the toll way instead of hitting a light every another mile. I had this other car following me.

Johnes was gone; we were now on hwy290 before entering B8. 290 being a 4 lane highway, we immediately poured 20 more mph and in no time we were in the left most lane overtaking all possible vehicles, trailers and 16 wheelers. To add on to our spirits, I played DUS! “Hey now hey now…” was banging in the SUV, ppl having a party time inside, while I realized, I am missing the exit for B8! Obviously the traffic hated me when I changed 4 lanes to exit in B8 within 3/4^th of a mile at near 75 mph. Poor friend who was close trailing me all the way just managed the narrow exit!

Time should be 10:12, we were in B8 now. I have not seen many trafficking tickets gifted on B8 so I decided to speed! 75…80…. 85…. X…..x…..xx….100…105…! Dang! The relative stand still traffic on B8 made way for two crazy vehicles, driving for what seemed to be more important then the lives of 2 lead developers, 2 lead support engineers, and 2 project managers. Jokes were cracked, new tracks were played, lanes were changed, and we had real party time inside! I paid more attention over the road then on the speedometer, but we easily crossed 110 at more then couple of instances.

Time was now “10:30” and we were still looking for the “West Beltfort exit”. It didn’t require much intelligence for me to realize that we have “actually” missed the exit; however I didn’t expect the worse case to be true! I pulled at the nearest Toll-service booth and asked for direction. The lady handed over me a map that clearly indicated that we have traveled at least double the required distance!!!! Damn, none of us was drunk but we still did it. 12 eyes had 6 individual reasons for not finding the exit! Time was now slipping faster then before, music stopped, mood changed, jokes were cracked but sarcasm prevailed. Optimism followed the mood, both took a U turn, phones started ringing, alternate plans were discussed … Somewhere deep, we still had our faiths in Indian theaters and the concept called as Indian standard time.

Another 15 minutes of sensible driving and we were finally in front of the movie theater. The time was now 10:55 and we were told that the show started at 10:45. All of us decided to take the 10 minute miss and enter the near full movie hall. We got the 4^th row and there we were, watching the grand Batchan duo in all their glory over the wide screen of W. Belfort!

Some one from the other car was interested in a RCA(root cause analysis), but we meet each other only at interval, till then the movie almost calmed him! We all entered the hall with mixed feelings, but all exited at 1:00am with only one feeling, “It was all worth it”!

On our way back, we were more relaxed and some part of Subash Nagare was running in every one’s blood! At around 2:00am, other car meets a minor accident. Our car again stops at Taco Cabana for the early morning Breakfast! The (same as before) lady at counter welcomed us. (Probably saying, do you guys have better things to do then frequenting a taco shop on a week end?)

I know I was supposed to write a review on Sarkar; but all I have to say is: After doing whatever I stated above and considering the fact that all of us are still happy about the night spend, the movie’s got to be real good! For detailed cast by cast and scene to scene review, just check any of the already posted 100’s of reviews on different websites. But even better, shall I suggest, just go to the movie hall and watch it! And yes, do not do what every one else did … comparing it with God Father and other God Father derived movies. Just enjoy the action, Cast and drama while you are in the dark hall!

Bottom line:

Crazy driving + missing exits + missing the start + lot of galis from friends + a minor accident + max ticket + gas + toll = Paisa Vasool!

Parineeta

Another great movie from the makers of Mission Kashmir, Munna Bhai, 1942 and Parinda. It feels really nice to see a non Sharukh, non Yash, non Karan, non Farah movie doing so well. 100's of reviews are already posted about how good this movie is. However here are few words from another motion picture addict.

After we were out, a friend asked me: "What does this word Parineeta mean". Since the movie was centered around a lady whose name was Lolita, I said good question! Parineeta means "Married Women" (in Bengali I guess). What a pick for the title. Sounds very poetic... I was wondering if the same title had been in hindi, its sound would have been so "tharki"! Shaadi Shuda Aurat :D. Any way, it is Parineeta.

Other then all good things, here are some area of improvements (I hope Chopra Uncle reads this):

1. Vidya Balan: Just like Bhagyashree of MPK, she is the newest and the coolest find of Bollywood. Most people will love her from the very first reel. For me, she could not render the strong character and personality of Lolitta. Lolita and her character was the epicenter of the entire movie. I personally feel that she lacked the depth in expression that would have otherwise left the audience with tears at many instances in the movie. Nevertheless a very pretty face and a great debut; not bad for a newcomer

2. Sanjay Dutt: I must say he tried his best while playing as 60's NRI. "But" he was an perfect misfit for a Bengali family. With his huge body, semi bald head and wrinkles on his aging face, he was an odd one out. Finally I cannot imagine a Sanjay-Raima couple (elephant-ant kind of thing). I guess, after Munnabhai, Sanjay was an obvious choice for Mr Chopra.

3. The Ending: Though I personally favour happy endings, I think this particular movie could have done better without one (recollecting the success of QSQT, EDKL, Devdas and similar of its kind). Nevertheless the ending was very very filmi. So what if it made the audience smile. Chalta hai!

4. Howrah Bridge: Too much use of Howrah Bridge. We are bored of seeing Calcutta with the Howrah Bridge in the backdrop. In fact in one very romantic sequence, where they had this bridge in the background, it looked extremely crowded with people and traffic, polluting the mood of that situation.

5. Sporty Sunglasses: Saif is wearing a 2000's trendy sun glass in one of the sequence! Image

6. Sex: They could have done better with the sex sequences. Especially the ones with Sanjay Dutt. With Dutt being passive, Lolita looked greatly confused in her attempt to be proactive and bold. It really felt like these sequences were guided by strict censor guidelines. On the other hand, Saif's scene was greatly shot.

List of good things in the movie are huge. However here are my favorites:

1. Experience great music from Shantanu Moitra. His previous work was 99.9FM.

2. Songs blend seamlessly with the movie. They carry the movie theme even stronger. Without songs, this movie was an Art movie!

3. Saif's Father performed a great terror role! Also his mother did a great job by not been over emotional. Just the right emotions and required drops of tears.

4. Setups, Direction of Photography and overall graphical appeal including the vintage Moulan Rouge were all worth appreciation.

5. Great Direction. You are always glued to the seat waiting for the next scene.

6. Dress selections were really fantastic. I might include some of them in my wardrobe. Especially Sanjay's Kurtas! They look great on him.

7. I hate her face but Diya Mirza's opening sequence was really nice.

8. Rekha and all her charisma. She's still a killer. Again, her dress selection was great.

Bottom line:
Watch this movie in theaters. Ticket + Samosa + Chai + Gas + Time = Paisa Vasool

Parineeta - A good movie to watch

Just saw Parineeta today... Actually, I was in the mood for "D" but my mom wanted to see Parineeta. The storyline is very taut. The cinematography and picturization is really great. Hats off to Vidya Balan and Saif for putting a lot of soul into their respective characters. Sanjay Dutt was also natural in his (Un-Bhai-log like) role. Dia Mirza stood out like a sore thumb (a cute sore thumb I should say :-)). She was like a very expensive tie on a kurta - good in as of itself but totally out of place.

The only thing I found mildly irritating was the "Bring the Berlin Wall down" routine. Don't get me wrong. The symbolism wasn't lost on me. Probably, its just the pragmatism of the Virgo in me. If the love of my life was on her way to London in a jiffy, I would rather walk through the gate to the other side of the wall rather than try to bore a hole in the wall. Definitely sensational and a story you could tell your grandkids. Not to mention proving a point to a stiff Dad and getting moral support from all and sundry (especially those who need this moment to raise their banner of revolt). It would have been more practical for Saif to shout out to Vidya to chill for a moment and then get back to proving his point via the wall route.

Barring that minor point :-), a good movie to watch.

Ankhen - A sight for sore eyes

Before reading this, you need to get your bearings right by reading the synopsis of this masterpiece from the horse's mouth viz. Sagar Arts ("internationally legendary known Arabian Nights" alias Alif Laila alias 1001 Nights - Wow!!). BTW, Sagar Arts is owned by none other than Ramanand uncle of Ramayan fame who will always be remembered for bringing geometry and fractals to the masses (remember the arrow fights in the dvanda yudh). Surprisingly, these folks have made some really good serials like Ramayan (before Luv and Kush got in), Vikram aur Vetaal, Dada dadi ki kahaniya, etc. But their recent crop of crappy serials is unmatched this side of the Hindukush.

As the text and images suggest, the serial can be described in one word - CHEAP. Cheap script, cheap cast, cheap suits, cheap gun replicas, cheap graphics and so on. This serial was made after scraping the bottom of a barrel that was licked clean by a pack of ravenous cats. I have seen four or five episodes and they have completely blown my mind. It doesn't get any funnier or more pakavoo than this. The perfect ambience for this serial would require 2-3 glasses of your favorite arrack and the company of a few rowdy friends (preferably those who cannot sit idle without passing comments).

The top dog in this serial is Col Dhyanchand. For those curious ones, he looks like a mix between Dr. Ambedkar, Subash Chandra Bose and singer Abhijeet. The Col runs Gurukul, a top secret outfit, designed to take on enemies of the state. Dhyanchand's outfit is largely nondescript except for the adrenaline pumping Hardayal Singh (who sounds and acts like Duryodhana in Mahabharat). The enemies of the state are notorious killers Karlos (with a K) and Kangaroo (pronounced Kungaarooo) who sport Jamaican outfits, fake braided hair and demoniacal laughter.

The inane plots in this serial are more than well backed up with a virtual barrage of cheap graphics. Missiles, helicopters, explosions, stunts and what have you done by Jo Lukhas, the mele me bichda huva bhai of George Lucas, operating out of Beguserai, Bihar. The serial is peppered with memorable characters - Shehezada of Jaffar (the crown prince of Jaffar who is dressed like Raj Kapoor in Anadi), a bald man with fake eyebrows known only as His Highness from the kingdom of ChooChoo (or something similar - I was too busy laughing) to name a few.

I cannot reveal much more because this serial is like divine revelation - you have to experience it to believe it. For the uninitiated, this masterpiece is available for viewing on the DD national channel.

Too Behaal after watching Jo Bole So Nihaal

The story revolves around a Thumbless Jack a@s (oops i meant kick a@s) assassin called Romeo who is the go-to guy for anything bad a@s anywhere in the world (a la Carlos the Jackal. For those confused by the name, no, our assassin is not gay). How can one as shrewd and sharp as he, manage to stay out of everyone's sight? Easy! He deals with his clients through his live-in girlfriend. Of course, wouldn't that be the last place someone would look? Thumbless Jack has a soft underside. After a crime, he cannot do without a confession and ritual sacrifice of the priest. In a routine pumping of plastic explosive through water pipes to blow up a house (for those not in the know, it is standard procedure for half-witted assassins) followed by the ritual confession, TJ meets our venerable "No-If-No-But-Only Jutt" Jabba the Hutt of Punjab Police. Jabba's comic and TJ's emotional performance left me literally breathless (since there was no rope to strangle myself, the next best thing was to hold my breath till I was blue. Apt punishment for venturing to watch a Sunny Deol movie). By the time I regained my consciousness, TJ manages to get across a Paki border (conveniently left unmanned of course) while the BSF latch on to Jabba before he ends up hurting himself by trying to use his brains. Jabba becomes the the friendly neighbourhood traitor and all hell breaks loose for him and his family with TJ's capture being his only hope for salvation. What stays etched in my memory is Jabba the Hutt's gutt wrenching speech on the patriotism of the Jutts. In the meantime, TJ is busy cavorting in NY, with his girlfriend, as the owner of a dhaba that also doubles up as Chandni bar while I try to stay conscious through Jabba and his family's saga (including a song from Jabba's mother). The Supreme Intelligence heeds Jabba's fervent prayers (and mine) and leads a few scrawny Americans from the FBI to Jabba to help identify and catch the infamous TJ. What follows would make Abu Ghraib seem like a walk in the park. Before you can say, "Hey Raam, yeh dekhne ke pehele mere praan kyon nahi chale gaye", Jabba stuns you with a whole barrage of stale jokes, villager in the West gaffes, a lisp and a reverse lisp couple, a FBI desi hottie and TJ's botched bombing attempt for Al Fatah. Lobotomy without anaesthesia never felt more desirable. Things seem to fall apart with Jabba's pre-condition on parading TJ through his village before the law can take its course. Now Jabba dumps the FBI and is on his own with his mother (Don't ask!!!) and the FBI desi hottie for company (but of course) on the lookout for TJ. In the meantime, Al Fatah is on the lookout for TJ and his girlfriend for the botched bombing attempt. TJ is on the look out for Jabba for vengeance. On a cruise to the Bahamas, TJ becomes Tony the Jutt, Nihaal (alias for Jabba) becomes Behaal, brother of Nihaal (Don't ask!!!) and I become Behaal as well. Tony the Jutt is spotted by Jabba the Hutt when he forgets to say "Sat Sri Akal" to "Jo Bole so Nihaal" like any self respecting Jutt would do. Then in a wierd twist, the FBI chaps decide to kill the President and use TJ for the act. Then Jabba who is the only one who has seen TJ says he is TJ and TJ says he's TJ and the Jabba's village idiot says Jabba is TJ and ... At this point, the turn of events in the movie defied all known forms of human logic and ended up frying my brain and leaving me in a temporary vegetative state. Thankfully, on regaining my intelligence, I lost the grey cells that recorded the horrible "That whose crap must not be spoken" and woke up to TJ being paraded in Jabba's village for the only true punishment for a world famous terrorist. A chappal slap fest and muh kalah ritual from the entire village. God has been kind to me and I know that my life has been spared only to let others know of the horrific end that awaits those that dare to enter where angels (and common sense and logic) fear to tread. Word to the wise. This movie is not for the faint of heart. It is meant for professionals who have cut their teeth on movies by Subhash Ghai (remember Trimurti, Yaadein), later day Dev Anand, Mithun (Chandal!!), Garam Dharam, vintage Govinda (Ilzaam anyone??) and the like. Do not try this at home or in any movie theater without oxygen masks and emergency paramedical personnel on standby.