Watching the unintended hilarity of Shaktimaan on TV. Everyone's hamming away to glory!!! This is getting funnier by the minute.
Shaktimaan is doing past life regression with a crazed chick who claims to have been waiting for him for 5000 years. In the flashback, we get to know how the chick falls for him and tries to coax Shaktimaan into a Gandharva vivah. He has love only for God (ha ha) and tells her to bugger off. So chick takes a vow that she'll get her maan (urf Shaktimaan) and does kathor tapasya for 1500 years and becomes a mayavi chick. Only to find out that Shaktimaan's past life avataar has kicked the bucket.
Mayavi chick says WTF? She obviously knows that a moron like Shaktimaan could never get enlightened so he will eventually get reincarnated. So she waits through the ages for Shaktimaan to get reborn while retaining her sexy avatar from her past life and gets herself an imposing palace as her pad.
Cut to present and the crazed bitch has become a witch and still wants to snag Shaktimaan and has kidnapped his "kabab-me-haddi" girlfriend (actually she is not his girlfriend but he secretly pines for her).
Shaktimaan is wondering WTF? He is wondering how to get rid of this crazed chick and get the Samay Yantra from her which he needs to save Earth. "Devi, samay vyarth na karo. Samay Yantra hame do aur hume Prithvi bachane do" Memorable stuff.
Now guess what? The serial ends here. Now my turn to say WTF? Anyways, I got my daily dose of entertainment from the idiot box.
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Friday, November 05, 2010
Friday, February 13, 2009
The most hilarious english desi video
This is a hilarious dance video from Dorairaj Bhagawan's 1978 Kannada film 'Operation Diamond Rocket' starring movie superstar Raj Kumar.
The lyrics go...
'If you come today.. its too early
If you come tomorrow.. its too late!
You pick the timeeeeeee
tick tick tick tick.'
If you die laughing, please don't blame me...
The lyrics go...
'If you come today.. its too early
If you come tomorrow.. its too late!
You pick the timeeeeeee
tick tick tick tick.'
If you die laughing, please don't blame me...
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Presenting the world's most pathetic dance video
Lo and behold! A funny video clip for your viewing pleasure
The origins of this comedy masterpiece are unknown but I presume that this belongs to some B-grade movie. The dance sequence is ably assisted with some moves that seem vaguely similar to physical training exercises in primary school. The lipsync and sublime expressions are unbelievable... Must be an ultimate frustroo movie (note the gratuitous groping of the actress)
I want to learn this new dance form from the choreographer... Please let me know if any of you find out anything about this movie, actor or choreographer...
The origins of this comedy masterpiece are unknown but I presume that this belongs to some B-grade movie. The dance sequence is ably assisted with some moves that seem vaguely similar to physical training exercises in primary school. The lipsync and sublime expressions are unbelievable... Must be an ultimate frustroo movie (note the gratuitous groping of the actress)
I want to learn this new dance form from the choreographer... Please let me know if any of you find out anything about this movie, actor or choreographer...
Sunday, March 16, 2008
What's happening with TV
I am watching TV and I hear these dialogues... "तुम्हारी भक्ति से प्रसन्न होकर ही मैंने तुम्हे मरने से बचाया था".. "अपनी आत्मा मे झांको और तुम मुझे ही पावोगी"... This is not from "Sai Baba" or "Jai Mata Di" but from "Ssshhhh Phir Koi Hai" - A horror serial... What the f**k? यह क्या हो रहा है...
"कैसे बचावोगे अपने पति परमेश्वर को" "मे तो अपने पति को बचावूंगी चाहे उसके लिए मुझे अपने प्राण की बलि क्यों न देनी पड़े" This episode is enlightening... सही dialogue है... There should be more of this on TV
"मे कितना खुश नसीब हू की तुम्हारे वजह से मुझे माँ के दर्शन हो गए" This is how the episode ends...
मे कितना खुश नसीब हू की यह episode के दर्शन हुवे | भक्त जनों | जय माता दी |
"कैसे बचावोगे अपने पति परमेश्वर को" "मे तो अपने पति को बचावूंगी चाहे उसके लिए मुझे अपने प्राण की बलि क्यों न देनी पड़े" This episode is enlightening... सही dialogue है... There should be more of this on TV
"मे कितना खुश नसीब हू की तुम्हारे वजह से मुझे माँ के दर्शन हो गए" This is how the episode ends...
मे कितना खुश नसीब हू की यह episode के दर्शन हुवे | भक्त जनों | जय माता दी |
Sunday, May 27, 2007
True rumors about "Shootout at Lokhandwala"
As the movie tagline suggests, this movie is about true rumors. And rumors (true or untrue) are best left alone to die their own death. But the keedas in me (hyperactive worms named after the famous Reimann and Suleiman) and the persistence of a friend smitten by Ganpat made me wander into Sanjays' booby trap. To top it all, I had to buy the movie tix in black at twice the prices. This is what they call "Bad luck kharaab hai".
What is this movie about? The true rumors are based on a ill-fated "police encounter" in broad daylight that happened many aeons ago - ill-fated not because of the incident but because it was the inspiration for this horrible movie. Apoorva Lakhia said in an interview that everyone knows what they were doing on Nov, 16th 1991, the day of the shootout. Someone must tell him to lay off the wild mushroom chilly he is eating since it is not really helping him. With people dropping like flies in Mumbai (from crime, disease, accidents, etc), the only reason to have this etched in memory would be an ill-behaved, constipated turd timing its way out of the back end at the exact same time of reading this piece of news.
Anyways, the movie is shot in sutradhar style, the role being performed by the Big-B who plays a sceptical lawyer defending our trigger happy Pandoos post the incident. The movie rolls on in flashback as the Pandoos explain their side of the story to the Big-B who is the voice of reason (or the lack of it). Its a good thing that the Big-B has age on his side since a bit of senility targeting the right brain cells could induce amnesia to forget this thunder blunder. He was so grating in his role that the few drunks who had paid to sleep in the AC woke up and started asking for refunds. The Pandoos are Sanjoo baba playing the pooper top cop with side-kicks, Suneil Anna and Arbaaz. We find out how the ATS (Anti-terrorist squad) was formed though I am sure none of us would have cared less. A few scenes with them battling Khalistani terrorists Bollywood ishtyle and a completely wasted sequence with Abhishek Bachaan and you are wondering WTF? Dia Mirza, the forgettable excuse for a reporter makes her entry and does her bit to add to the reels to make it 3 hours long.
In the meantime, while i was busy attempting astral projection to get out of the theatre, the movie moves on to Maya Dolas, the main villain of this masterpiece. Maya is this cool dude who is as obsessed with being bad as the pooper scooper Pandoo is to do away with it. He wears a smirk over his face and an attitude to go with it (and manages to keep it all the way to his sordid end). He is given company by ace shooters Dilip Buva, Fattu (a shooter who shat his pants in his first killing), RC (a drunkard who is tormented by ghosts of an earlier killing till the very end) and Doubling (another Lakhia). Some moments are spent/wasted/whatever on their meteoric rise ably sprinkled with some dance bar item song sequences with Arti Chabbria. Maya ki Aai is played by Amrita Singh. It would be simpler to make Govinda sound like an American with accent training than for her to sound like a Marahastrian lower middle class mother.
As I attempt to vomit my intestines out, we move onto the much awaited shootout after a lot of asides/distractions. I wonder if there is any saving grace in this sordid affair. But Maya (pun intended) had something else in mind. The Bollywood predilection of having wrongs righted and getting justice done gets in the way. The baddies who know a a**-whupping, when they smell one, call up their loved ones for a final tear-jerking apology for getting on the wrong path. This is followed by pairing up of the goodies-baddies fight as per the pecking order in the movie (Sanjoo-Viveik, Anna-Tushaar, etc). To top it all, in all cases, the bullets dry up and the fights have to be settled in hand-to-hand combat and the 230+ pandoo extras don't offer a helping hand knowing Bollywood rules of Physics,, Logic and Temporality all too well.
By now, my brain is burning oxygen like crazy to avoid becoming an ingredient in a mixed vegetable menu. Thankfully, Maya (the other one) steps in, Big B mumbles along and instead of arguing the case asks a single question to the judge (check the movie to find out the question) and the judge lets our pandoos free without asking for a 50-50 or a call to the friend (probably he was too scared of being bored to death). The credits roll by and I am transported back from the bizarro world into the world where logic reigns.
Now for the mis-casts and their super-performances. "I-ham-therefore-I-am" Viveiaaak Oberoi (A name change is in order to avoid all the bad karma associated with this masterpiece and Nakshaz) as Maya is at his ham-mer ham-ster ham-err-hoidal best. He is ably assisted by Tussharr Kapoor as the ace shooter Dilip Buva (reminded me of Sachin "Aai la" Tendulkar with the matching rich baritone). Don't ask about the other baddies - they were meant to be tofu to make it 3 hours long. Sanjoo baba playing the pooper cop is stylish and slick and his usual filmi self (refusing a bulletproof vest in a shootout). Anna amidst making blank calls to his estranged wife and rants about police casualties does not have much to write home about. Arbaaz - I don't know what he is doing in this movie - if you find out, let me know. Apoorva Lakhia - now that's another matter. If someone knows a mobster, can you put a supari on his vegetable head? The people who have watched this trash would gladly pay a few bucks to ensure that this torture does not get repeated again.
The verdict: You can safely watch and enjoy this movie if someone is willing to babysit your brain in your absence.
What is this movie about? The true rumors are based on a ill-fated "police encounter" in broad daylight that happened many aeons ago - ill-fated not because of the incident but because it was the inspiration for this horrible movie. Apoorva Lakhia said in an interview that everyone knows what they were doing on Nov, 16th 1991, the day of the shootout. Someone must tell him to lay off the wild mushroom chilly he is eating since it is not really helping him. With people dropping like flies in Mumbai (from crime, disease, accidents, etc), the only reason to have this etched in memory would be an ill-behaved, constipated turd timing its way out of the back end at the exact same time of reading this piece of news.
Anyways, the movie is shot in sutradhar style, the role being performed by the Big-B who plays a sceptical lawyer defending our trigger happy Pandoos post the incident. The movie rolls on in flashback as the Pandoos explain their side of the story to the Big-B who is the voice of reason (or the lack of it). Its a good thing that the Big-B has age on his side since a bit of senility targeting the right brain cells could induce amnesia to forget this thunder blunder. He was so grating in his role that the few drunks who had paid to sleep in the AC woke up and started asking for refunds. The Pandoos are Sanjoo baba playing the pooper top cop with side-kicks, Suneil Anna and Arbaaz. We find out how the ATS (Anti-terrorist squad) was formed though I am sure none of us would have cared less. A few scenes with them battling Khalistani terrorists Bollywood ishtyle and a completely wasted sequence with Abhishek Bachaan and you are wondering WTF? Dia Mirza, the forgettable excuse for a reporter makes her entry and does her bit to add to the reels to make it 3 hours long.
In the meantime, while i was busy attempting astral projection to get out of the theatre, the movie moves on to Maya Dolas, the main villain of this masterpiece. Maya is this cool dude who is as obsessed with being bad as the pooper scooper Pandoo is to do away with it. He wears a smirk over his face and an attitude to go with it (and manages to keep it all the way to his sordid end). He is given company by ace shooters Dilip Buva, Fattu (a shooter who shat his pants in his first killing), RC (a drunkard who is tormented by ghosts of an earlier killing till the very end) and Doubling (another Lakhia). Some moments are spent/wasted/whatever on their meteoric rise ably sprinkled with some dance bar item song sequences with Arti Chabbria. Maya ki Aai is played by Amrita Singh. It would be simpler to make Govinda sound like an American with accent training than for her to sound like a Marahastrian lower middle class mother.
As I attempt to vomit my intestines out, we move onto the much awaited shootout after a lot of asides/distractions. I wonder if there is any saving grace in this sordid affair. But Maya (pun intended) had something else in mind. The Bollywood predilection of having wrongs righted and getting justice done gets in the way. The baddies who know a a**-whupping, when they smell one, call up their loved ones for a final tear-jerking apology for getting on the wrong path. This is followed by pairing up of the goodies-baddies fight as per the pecking order in the movie (Sanjoo-Viveik, Anna-Tushaar, etc). To top it all, in all cases, the bullets dry up and the fights have to be settled in hand-to-hand combat and the 230+ pandoo extras don't offer a helping hand knowing Bollywood rules of Physics,, Logic and Temporality all too well.
By now, my brain is burning oxygen like crazy to avoid becoming an ingredient in a mixed vegetable menu. Thankfully, Maya (the other one) steps in, Big B mumbles along and instead of arguing the case asks a single question to the judge (check the movie to find out the question) and the judge lets our pandoos free without asking for a 50-50 or a call to the friend (probably he was too scared of being bored to death). The credits roll by and I am transported back from the bizarro world into the world where logic reigns.
Now for the mis-casts and their super-performances. "I-ham-therefore-I-am" Viveiaaak Oberoi (A name change is in order to avoid all the bad karma associated with this masterpiece and Nakshaz) as Maya is at his ham-mer ham-ster ham-err-hoidal best. He is ably assisted by Tussharr Kapoor as the ace shooter Dilip Buva (reminded me of Sachin "Aai la" Tendulkar with the matching rich baritone). Don't ask about the other baddies - they were meant to be tofu to make it 3 hours long. Sanjoo baba playing the pooper cop is stylish and slick and his usual filmi self (refusing a bulletproof vest in a shootout). Anna amidst making blank calls to his estranged wife and rants about police casualties does not have much to write home about. Arbaaz - I don't know what he is doing in this movie - if you find out, let me know. Apoorva Lakhia - now that's another matter. If someone knows a mobster, can you put a supari on his vegetable head? The people who have watched this trash would gladly pay a few bucks to ensure that this torture does not get repeated again.
The verdict: You can safely watch and enjoy this movie if someone is willing to babysit your brain in your absence.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Why do Superheroes wear undies
It seems to be a commonly expected phenomenon. Yet I have not seen anyone delve into the basics of why undies on pants. The dearth of research on so important a subject is appalling. After several years of pain staking research involving austere penances in the Himalayas, generous doses of Sweet Leaf, thousands of hours worth of comics and Cartoon Network, I have found the reason for the undies.
Superheroes are always on the run. They spend most of their time flying in the sky, running around city blocks, cavorting with pretty women and the like. What can they do if they have to take a dump or a leak when the world needs them most? Most superheroes are just as anatomically challenged as we are when it comes to excretionary processes. Well, a few from outer space like Superman have been spared this daily ordeal but they are the exception rather than the rule.
Anyone who has been required to hold back a dump or a leak knows how hard it is? Also, this malaise usually hits you when you are in deep s**t (pun intended) which is generally what most superheroes are in, most of the time. Imagine yourself holding back your excretions while fighting supervillains with the involvement of super powers on either end. It takes a lot of effort just keeping up in the fight and not getting your a$$ whupped by a supervillain. But as all of us bladder challenged know, (intuitively I hope for most of us and for the unfortunate few through the stains of experience) a small loss of focus is the difference between success and failure.
Well, to cut a long story short, our superheroes have no options but to crap their pants. Obviously, it won't look good if superheroes have stains on their pants. I still think that it would be good for the world. Why? Most supervillains would give up the fight and die in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Yet, any supervillain without a sense of humor would sound the death knell for the world. Hence, probably that's not the solution. Now, our superheroes are generally, as a rule, troubled beings with deep complexes. Hence, carrying on a fight with stained pants is not such a good idea for our superheros' confidence.
Now, onto the brilliant solution, a diaper shaped undie with a cool belt to take attention away from the "crime scene". Simple, eh! You would still have the squelchy feeling which I think would not be fun. But then again, when you are being pounded by one or more supervillains, the pain helps keep the focus on the fight. An intelligent reader could argue in favor of superhero sanitary napkins. But then most superhero comics would be adult-fare out of reach for all children. Can you think of a reason for the bulge in the pants other than a overdose of Viagra?
Now why does Superman wear a undie? Well, it is a show of solidarity, a superhero union requirement and mostly a red herring to throw people off and mask what would be superheroes' biggest weakness!!!
Superheroes are always on the run. They spend most of their time flying in the sky, running around city blocks, cavorting with pretty women and the like. What can they do if they have to take a dump or a leak when the world needs them most? Most superheroes are just as anatomically challenged as we are when it comes to excretionary processes. Well, a few from outer space like Superman have been spared this daily ordeal but they are the exception rather than the rule.
Anyone who has been required to hold back a dump or a leak knows how hard it is? Also, this malaise usually hits you when you are in deep s**t (pun intended) which is generally what most superheroes are in, most of the time. Imagine yourself holding back your excretions while fighting supervillains with the involvement of super powers on either end. It takes a lot of effort just keeping up in the fight and not getting your a$$ whupped by a supervillain. But as all of us bladder challenged know, (intuitively I hope for most of us and for the unfortunate few through the stains of experience) a small loss of focus is the difference between success and failure.
Well, to cut a long story short, our superheroes have no options but to crap their pants. Obviously, it won't look good if superheroes have stains on their pants. I still think that it would be good for the world. Why? Most supervillains would give up the fight and die in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Yet, any supervillain without a sense of humor would sound the death knell for the world. Hence, probably that's not the solution. Now, our superheroes are generally, as a rule, troubled beings with deep complexes. Hence, carrying on a fight with stained pants is not such a good idea for our superheros' confidence.
Now, onto the brilliant solution, a diaper shaped undie with a cool belt to take attention away from the "crime scene". Simple, eh! You would still have the squelchy feeling which I think would not be fun. But then again, when you are being pounded by one or more supervillains, the pain helps keep the focus on the fight. An intelligent reader could argue in favor of superhero sanitary napkins. But then most superhero comics would be adult-fare out of reach for all children. Can you think of a reason for the bulge in the pants other than a overdose of Viagra?
Now why does Superman wear a undie? Well, it is a show of solidarity, a superhero union requirement and mostly a red herring to throw people off and mask what would be superheroes' biggest weakness!!!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The THE movies
Bollywood, if you noticed has a commonly accepted, unwritten for movies titles. Quite a few movie titles have adopted this nomenclature.
The nomenclature: {Hindi title}: the {English title}
Here is a list of some of "the" movies for your knowledge!
Aatish: Feel the Fire
Aastha: In the Prison of Spring
Angaar: The Fire
Ansh: The Deadly Part
Bhumika: The Role
Biwi-O-Biwi: The Fun-Film
Chhal: The Game of Death
Dhaal: The Battle of Law Against Law
Dhund: The Fog
Dil Aashna Hai (...The Heart Knows)
Ehsaas: The Feeling
Ek Rishtaa: The Bond of Love
Encounter: The Killing
Gautama the Buddha
Ghaav: The Wound
Giddh: The Vulture
Gupt: The Hidden Truth
Hatya: The Murder
Humse Badhkar Kaun: The Entertainer
Inteqam: The Perfect Game
Iyer the Great
Jaal: The Trap
Karobaar: The Business of Love
Karz: The Burden of Truth
Khamoshi: The Musical
Khanjar: The Knife
Khooni Ilaaka: The Prohibited Area
Kisna: The Warrior Poet
Kohram: The Explosion
Kumkum the Dancer
Manorama: The Legend
Manu the Great
Miss India: The Mystery
Mudda: The Issue
Nayak: The Real Hero
Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose: The Forgotten Hero
Pandavas: The Five Warriors
Pehchaan: The Face of Truth
Phoolan: The First Rebel
Prahaar: The Final Attack
Ramayana: The Legend of Prince Rama
Rocky: The Rebel
Suraag: The Clue
Saawan: The Love Season
Sanatta: The Silence
Sansani: The Sensation
Sarhad: The Border of Crime
Shakti: The Power
Shart: The Challenge
Shivaji: The Boss
Souten: The Other Woman
Sur: The Melody of Life
Taarzan: The Wonder Car
Talaash: The Hunt Begins
Vaastav: The Reality
Vajra: The Weapon
Veerappan: The Last Bandit
Waqt: The Race Against Time
Zameer: The Awakening of a Soul
The-Movies with similar english title and same Hindi title:
Insaaf: The Final Justice (1997)
Insaaf: The Justice (2004)
The-Movies with the same english title
Konarak: The Sun Temple (1949)
Konrak: The Sun Temple (1983)
The-Movies that modified the nomenclature!
The Death Sentence: Mrityu Dand
The Hero: Love Story of a Spy
Daud: Fun on the Run
Antarmahal: Views of the Inner Chamber
Jeet: Feel the Force
Kagaar: Life on the Edge
Movies with missing Hindi title:
The Great Gambler
The Goal
The Killer
The Gentleman
The Gang
The Fire
The Film
The Don
The Car
Award:
And the award for the best "the-title" movie in Bollywood goes to:
Kutta: the Dog!
Well, you might not heard about this movie. This is a nested movie. This movie was made inside another Bollywood movie: Bhola in Bollywood. So if you want more information on this award winning movie, you will have to watch Bhola in Bollywood.
TATA- The good bye
The nomenclature: {Hindi title}: the {English title}
Here is a list of some of "the" movies for your knowledge!
Aatish: Feel the Fire
Aastha: In the Prison of Spring
Angaar: The Fire
Ansh: The Deadly Part
Bhumika: The Role
Biwi-O-Biwi: The Fun-Film
Chhal: The Game of Death
Dhaal: The Battle of Law Against Law
Dhund: The Fog
Dil Aashna Hai (...The Heart Knows)
Ehsaas: The Feeling
Ek Rishtaa: The Bond of Love
Encounter: The Killing
Gautama the Buddha
Ghaav: The Wound
Giddh: The Vulture
Gupt: The Hidden Truth
Hatya: The Murder
Humse Badhkar Kaun: The Entertainer
Inteqam: The Perfect Game
Iyer the Great
Jaal: The Trap
Karobaar: The Business of Love
Karz: The Burden of Truth
Khamoshi: The Musical
Khanjar: The Knife
Khooni Ilaaka: The Prohibited Area
Kisna: The Warrior Poet
Kohram: The Explosion
Kumkum the Dancer
Manorama: The Legend
Manu the Great
Miss India: The Mystery
Mudda: The Issue
Nayak: The Real Hero
Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose: The Forgotten Hero
Pandavas: The Five Warriors
Pehchaan: The Face of Truth
Phoolan: The First Rebel
Prahaar: The Final Attack
Ramayana: The Legend of Prince Rama
Rocky: The Rebel
Suraag: The Clue
Saawan: The Love Season
Sanatta: The Silence
Sansani: The Sensation
Sarhad: The Border of Crime
Shakti: The Power
Shart: The Challenge
Shivaji: The Boss
Souten: The Other Woman
Sur: The Melody of Life
Taarzan: The Wonder Car
Talaash: The Hunt Begins
Vaastav: The Reality
Vajra: The Weapon
Veerappan: The Last Bandit
Waqt: The Race Against Time
Zameer: The Awakening of a Soul
The-Movies with similar english title and same Hindi title:
Insaaf: The Final Justice (1997)
Insaaf: The Justice (2004)
The-Movies with the same english title
Konarak: The Sun Temple (1949)
Konrak: The Sun Temple (1983)
The-Movies that modified the nomenclature!
The Death Sentence: Mrityu Dand
The Hero: Love Story of a Spy
Daud: Fun on the Run
Antarmahal: Views of the Inner Chamber
Jeet: Feel the Force
Kagaar: Life on the Edge
Movies with missing Hindi title:
The Great Gambler
The Goal
The Killer
The Gentleman
The Gang
The Fire
The Film
The Don
The Car
Award:
And the award for the best "the-title" movie in Bollywood goes to:
Kutta: the Dog!
Well, you might not heard about this movie. This is a nested movie. This movie was made inside another Bollywood movie: Bhola in Bollywood. So if you want more information on this award winning movie, you will have to watch Bhola in Bollywood.
TATA- The good bye
The "Chaddi Gal" is back in "The Killer"
Chaddi Gal kaun?
You probably haven't read my James review.
I am referring to Nisha Kothari. She was introduced by Ramu in Sarkar and unleashed (literally) again by Ramu in James. She did sound like a promising "figure" in the new line of exposure. But I must say her charm is not showing up any longer. To my dismay she was wrapped in a saree instead of small chaddis in The-Killer! We might have to wait for Ramu to reincarnate the chaddi gal with better outfit.
Moving ahead ... lets discuss the movie.
Why did I see the movie?
Obviously because I had time and a dollar to spare. But on a serious note, I like to watch Irfan Khan on screen. Remember his movie "7½ Phere" with Juhi,. He acted so well.
Movie name is missing.
As per the popular Bollywood nomenclature (Daag: the fire, Gupt: The Hidden Truth, Daud: Fun on the Run, etc), this movie has a missing title. "The Killer" as per Bollywood nomenclature is only the second part of the title. Where is the first part? here are some suggestions:
Khuni: The Killer
Tharki: The Killer
For an extensive list of "the" movies, see the following post.
They did it again!
Again they made a movie in which the police show up on time and kill the villian; hero-heroine sing ding-dong happily ever after. BTW, "police show up on time" is justified by the fact that we are not talking about Indian Police, this is Dubai police.
I wish they killed the hero:
The fact that "Imran Hashmi" is an hero in any Bollywood movie, is so untolerable. I would love to watch Tushar Kapoor more than Hashmi. Irfan Pathan looks good in his "villain, the killer" role. I was really hoping that Irfan kills Hashmi in the final sequence, but that didn't happen. Think about this: Chaddi gal kills Hashmi for some XYZ reason, and finally chaddi-gal runs away with the Killer for some ABC reason! Wah, kya ending hota!!!!!
Sets:
The distance traveled by any Hindi movie for its shoot is directly proportional to the finance and the fees of people involved in it. For instance, it is obvious to expect Karan Johar's movie with Shah Rukh Khan and Preity to be shot in probably the farthest most expensive place: New York. The most expensive possession in "the Killer" was Irfan Khan. Obviously the producers were on a tight budget after paying Irfan. With budget so tight, cast so unworthy and demand of script to be shot in a foreign location (Note: The main theme of this movie is Police on time which cannot happen in India). So where do you go? Dubai-eeeeeeee! Dubai perfectly fits in the equation.
Bottom line:
Watch the movie only with friends on small screen. Do not expect a lot from the chaddi gal. Irfan Khan is average. Movie script is stolen from Hollywood movie and executed in the typical Bhat e-style. Songs i.e. item numbers, are just average. You might like the very first item number! Chaddi-gal did do a little jalwa in it.
time+dimaag ka dahi+expectations-bad performance-no innovation-no heat=paisa barbad
You probably haven't read my James review.
I am referring to Nisha Kothari. She was introduced by Ramu in Sarkar and unleashed (literally) again by Ramu in James. She did sound like a promising "figure" in the new line of exposure. But I must say her charm is not showing up any longer. To my dismay she was wrapped in a saree instead of small chaddis in The-Killer! We might have to wait for Ramu to reincarnate the chaddi gal with better outfit.
Moving ahead ... lets discuss the movie.
Why did I see the movie?
Obviously because I had time and a dollar to spare. But on a serious note, I like to watch Irfan Khan on screen. Remember his movie "7½ Phere" with Juhi,. He acted so well.
Movie name is missing.
As per the popular Bollywood nomenclature (Daag: the fire, Gupt: The Hidden Truth, Daud: Fun on the Run, etc), this movie has a missing title. "The Killer" as per Bollywood nomenclature is only the second part of the title. Where is the first part? here are some suggestions:
Khuni: The Killer
Tharki: The Killer
For an extensive list of "the" movies, see the following post.
They did it again!
Again they made a movie in which the police show up on time and kill the villian; hero-heroine sing ding-dong happily ever after. BTW, "police show up on time" is justified by the fact that we are not talking about Indian Police, this is Dubai police.
I wish they killed the hero:
The fact that "Imran Hashmi" is an hero in any Bollywood movie, is so untolerable. I would love to watch Tushar Kapoor more than Hashmi. Irfan Pathan looks good in his "villain, the killer" role. I was really hoping that Irfan kills Hashmi in the final sequence, but that didn't happen. Think about this: Chaddi gal kills Hashmi for some XYZ reason, and finally chaddi-gal runs away with the Killer for some ABC reason! Wah, kya ending hota!!!!!
Sets:
The distance traveled by any Hindi movie for its shoot is directly proportional to the finance and the fees of people involved in it. For instance, it is obvious to expect Karan Johar's movie with Shah Rukh Khan and Preity to be shot in probably the farthest most expensive place: New York. The most expensive possession in "the Killer" was Irfan Khan. Obviously the producers were on a tight budget after paying Irfan. With budget so tight, cast so unworthy and demand of script to be shot in a foreign location (Note: The main theme of this movie is Police on time which cannot happen in India). So where do you go? Dubai-eeeeeeee! Dubai perfectly fits in the equation.
- It is foreign, technically.
- Rates of Dubai air ticket are equal or less then the Mumbai-Delhi ticket.
- You have Hindi/Urdu speaking people, so you can design your script better.
- It becomes easy for you to sell your movie in the middle east.
- Dubai looks more foreign then any other affordable foreign locations.
Bottom line:
Watch the movie only with friends on small screen. Do not expect a lot from the chaddi gal. Irfan Khan is average. Movie script is stolen from Hollywood movie and executed in the typical Bhat e-style. Songs i.e. item numbers, are just average. You might like the very first item number! Chaddi-gal did do a little jalwa in it.
time+dimaag ka dahi+expectations-bad performance-no innovation-no heat=paisa barbad
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Kkkkya hoga Nikkkkammo kkka
When I saw the serial "Kya Hoga Nimmo Ka", the phrase ''Majha Kkkhauuu mala dya'' came to mind - which in Marathi means ''Give me my food''. In Mumbai, this is the sign on most trashcans (the only places you are not supposed to spit and throw garbage) which is where this stinkipuss belongs. BTW, the extra K's in the phrase and the title are in keeping with the fetish of its creator. Yup, this foray into non-soapish detergents is from the mother of all malodorous soaps - the dreaded Ekta Kapoor of Balaji Telefillums.
What is this serial you might ask? A happy go lucky middle class simpleton with a heart of gold and a special relationship with God. In other words, a Jassi wanna-be with a twist. Jassi took off on Sony and the me-toos were not too far behind. The glasses are gone but sickening sweet and innocent are still there in big shades (pun intended). Its no wonder that garbage also rhymes with cabbage. So if you miss Jassi and your medication is not working or your psychiatrist is out on vacation, this sweet and sour Lassi will do wonders to your already crumbling sanity.
Most episodes so far showcase Nimmo's finer qualities or are littered with Nimmo's cribs with God which seems to be the highlight of this serial. Needless to say, it grinds on your nerves since the episodes are reinforced with serious bouts of overacting. I wish God would get pissed and end our misery with a well directed bolt of lightning. Lassi is ably assisted by a few props (I mean actors) - two bimbo sisters, an irritating bald father, a nondescript mother and a super irritating maid - who so far have not added much to the story line. God is played by none other than the (Ab)Surd King of Senseless Verbiage, Navjot Singh Sidhu. Its funny how Ekkie baby goes out of her way with the numerology and astrology thingies and then does something to piss God off. All the more reason for that much desired seering bolt from the blue.
At this point, the Cinderella bits are in the process of development with two (yes you heard me right) Prince Charmings. The serial can be termed as irritating at this point in time. But I count myself among the ''udathe huve parinde ke par ginne vale'' types in spotting a crappy serial in its infancy. And this one has all the hallmarks of one right now - from the actors to the script. A love story is cooking and the stink will soon hit the fan. If scraping nails on a blackboard is your pasttime, you would do well to add yourself to this serial's viewership. Otherwise, like the rest of us, put on your raincoats and dive for cover.
What is this serial you might ask? A happy go lucky middle class simpleton with a heart of gold and a special relationship with God. In other words, a Jassi wanna-be with a twist. Jassi took off on Sony and the me-toos were not too far behind. The glasses are gone but sickening sweet and innocent are still there in big shades (pun intended). Its no wonder that garbage also rhymes with cabbage. So if you miss Jassi and your medication is not working or your psychiatrist is out on vacation, this sweet and sour Lassi will do wonders to your already crumbling sanity.
Most episodes so far showcase Nimmo's finer qualities or are littered with Nimmo's cribs with God which seems to be the highlight of this serial. Needless to say, it grinds on your nerves since the episodes are reinforced with serious bouts of overacting. I wish God would get pissed and end our misery with a well directed bolt of lightning. Lassi is ably assisted by a few props (I mean actors) - two bimbo sisters, an irritating bald father, a nondescript mother and a super irritating maid - who so far have not added much to the story line. God is played by none other than the (Ab)Surd King of Senseless Verbiage, Navjot Singh Sidhu. Its funny how Ekkie baby goes out of her way with the numerology and astrology thingies and then does something to piss God off. All the more reason for that much desired seering bolt from the blue.
At this point, the Cinderella bits are in the process of development with two (yes you heard me right) Prince Charmings. The serial can be termed as irritating at this point in time. But I count myself among the ''udathe huve parinde ke par ginne vale'' types in spotting a crappy serial in its infancy. And this one has all the hallmarks of one right now - from the actors to the script. A love story is cooking and the stink will soon hit the fan. If scraping nails on a blackboard is your pasttime, you would do well to add yourself to this serial's viewership. Otherwise, like the rest of us, put on your raincoats and dive for cover.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Move over Rover, a load of crap is taking over
Star One started out to be a haven for those sick and tired of the saas-bahu types. Initially, it had a good mix of serials - The Great Indian Laughter Challenge, The Great Indian Comedy Show, Nach Baliye, Instant Khichdi, Special Squad, Dil Kya Chahta hai, Bluff Master, Men Maange More and the like. Of course, they had their share of horrendous ones. I'll sum them up with one nightmarish representative - Remix. Well, it's good enough if you hit more than you miss. Further, this could have been part of Star Care social service to keep the IQ challenged occupied and unperturbed by thought or reason.
Off late, the channel has gone to the dogs. Some serials ran out of steam and some died a natural death. The popular ones have been resurrected with garish make-up and a fervent hope that no ones notices the stench. Examples are Nach Baliye in a new form and Laughter Challenge II. A few more braindead serials for the IQ challenged have been introduced to give Remix company. Case in point - ''India Appalling'' (read ''India Calling'') and 'Yeh Dil Maange More'. Now horror of horrors - the K brigade has been let in through the backdoor. Yup, none other than the pride of Balaji Telefilms and the 'that-whose-name-must-not-be-spoken' who made TV inaccessible to the IQ-more-than-vegetables audience - Ekkkkta KKKKapoor. She has introduced one more nasty piece of poop - Kya Hoga Nikammo ka. Or is it Nimmo ka? Who the hell cares? It is a bucketload of drivel nonetheless.
In short, being different and entertaining takes time, effort and brains which I think the channel has decided not to expend. To use the logic of George from Seinfeld, the serials on this channel are being made with the assumption that people will watch it because it's on TV. It's much easier to be mediocre and that's where I guess the channel is fading away. This (com)mode of mediocre entertainment is a paid channel which makes me want to call up my cable operator and ask for my 'mon' back and sue for damages. My suggestion would be to rename the channel Scar One
Pros: Most of the serials in this channel could be effectively used in psychometric tests to detect lack of brain activity and differentiate between vegetative and intelligent states. This, of course, can only be experimented on born vegetables because even comatose patients would make a run for the door if subjected to the crap dished out by this channel. See now there's a plus (but I guess that honor has already been garnered by the other Plus - Star Plus)
Cons: This channel could be a conspiracy hatched by orthodox hawkish neo-conservative groups in the US in connivance with News Corp (owners of Star and Fox) for state propaganda in enemy states (India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Middle East, etc) to dumb down their generations to come. But then again, this channel cannot wreak more havoc than Star Plus. :-)
Off late, the channel has gone to the dogs. Some serials ran out of steam and some died a natural death. The popular ones have been resurrected with garish make-up and a fervent hope that no ones notices the stench. Examples are Nach Baliye in a new form and Laughter Challenge II. A few more braindead serials for the IQ challenged have been introduced to give Remix company. Case in point - ''India Appalling'' (read ''India Calling'') and 'Yeh Dil Maange More'. Now horror of horrors - the K brigade has been let in through the backdoor. Yup, none other than the pride of Balaji Telefilms and the 'that-whose-name-must-not-be-spoken' who made TV inaccessible to the IQ-more-than-vegetables audience - Ekkkkta KKKKapoor. She has introduced one more nasty piece of poop - Kya Hoga Nikammo ka. Or is it Nimmo ka? Who the hell cares? It is a bucketload of drivel nonetheless.
In short, being different and entertaining takes time, effort and brains which I think the channel has decided not to expend. To use the logic of George from Seinfeld, the serials on this channel are being made with the assumption that people will watch it because it's on TV. It's much easier to be mediocre and that's where I guess the channel is fading away. This (com)mode of mediocre entertainment is a paid channel which makes me want to call up my cable operator and ask for my 'mon' back and sue for damages. My suggestion would be to rename the channel Scar One
Pros: Most of the serials in this channel could be effectively used in psychometric tests to detect lack of brain activity and differentiate between vegetative and intelligent states. This, of course, can only be experimented on born vegetables because even comatose patients would make a run for the door if subjected to the crap dished out by this channel. See now there's a plus (but I guess that honor has already been garnered by the other Plus - Star Plus)
Cons: This channel could be a conspiracy hatched by orthodox hawkish neo-conservative groups in the US in connivance with News Corp (owners of Star and Fox) for state propaganda in enemy states (India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Middle East, etc) to dumb down their generations to come. But then again, this channel cannot wreak more havoc than Star Plus. :-)
Monday, March 13, 2006
Be cool or be dead
I am speechless and lost for words as I write this review for this serial "Remix" on Star One. No words can describe the load of crap heaped by Star One on unsuspecting viewers. To describe Remix in one sentence ''Four dumb-as* nitwits and their friends suffering from a deep rooted urge to look cool''
The story revolves around Maurya high - a school for the dimwitted. Freaks of the world unite! Freedom is at hand and Star One's the stage to parade it. The chains are off and all the numbskulls can now rejoice and show their wares in this Dumb and Dumber extravaganza.
The protagonist's in this story are four
This piece of s**t should rhyme with bore
If you see it and desire more
Its time to check your IQ score
Anyways, the four specimens in this serial are - An industrialist's bimbo daughter who refers to herself in the third person, a i-try-way-too-hard-to-be-cool politician's son, a non-conformist star actress's daughter and a i-have-come-up-the-hard-way rural fart who also sometimes refers to himself in the third person (and is paired with the bimbo of course). A pluralist group with a defined ethos - Be cool or be dead. They wish they were cool and I wish they were dead.
You got to hand it to Star One for this beaut. This experience is akin to getting waxed in the pubic area. Not that I have tried it but this would be darn close. Few of you might wonder why I am not relating the story for this masterpiece. Humble apologies, dear friend, I do not have much to state on that front since there is none. The storyline is truly inane with characters slipping in and out faster than you can stand around and wonder how dumb these fools are.
Their conception of a teen resembles a dumb neurotic with an inferiority complex and an unforgiving itch to rebel and act cool at any cost. What do they have to do to pay the price of cooldom? Blurt out cool sounding phrases like dude, bhaggu, and similar sound bites to make up for real sentences. Rebel! Rebel! Rebel! Rebel against everything and everyone as if rebellion were going out of style. Have a posse of dumb sidekicks for constant reassurance. The last one actually does make sense. If I were as braindead as one of these characters, I would need my share of dumber nitwits to reassure me that a few more exist between me and the apes
A few must haves before watching the serial - a concrete wall, a Webster's dictionary (the full shebang - no abridged versions here) and a baseball bat. Bang your head on the concrete wall many times to achieve a state of delirium - the actual repetitions needed depend on your current state of delirium. Use the dictionary any time you feel yourself slipping out back into the intelligent world. Finally, when you reach a stage where life ceases to have all meaning, use the baseball bat to club yourself out of existence. (Please don't use the baseball bat on the TV since other people at home might be watching saner stuff)
The serial could be a useful tool for Zen buddhists for developing patience. The trouble is that you might be dead or get insane if you are not cut out to be a Zen Buddhist
The story revolves around Maurya high - a school for the dimwitted. Freaks of the world unite! Freedom is at hand and Star One's the stage to parade it. The chains are off and all the numbskulls can now rejoice and show their wares in this Dumb and Dumber extravaganza.
The protagonist's in this story are four
This piece of s**t should rhyme with bore
If you see it and desire more
Its time to check your IQ score
Anyways, the four specimens in this serial are - An industrialist's bimbo daughter who refers to herself in the third person, a i-try-way-too-hard-to-be-cool politician's son, a non-conformist star actress's daughter and a i-have-come-up-the-hard-way rural fart who also sometimes refers to himself in the third person (and is paired with the bimbo of course). A pluralist group with a defined ethos - Be cool or be dead. They wish they were cool and I wish they were dead.
You got to hand it to Star One for this beaut. This experience is akin to getting waxed in the pubic area. Not that I have tried it but this would be darn close. Few of you might wonder why I am not relating the story for this masterpiece. Humble apologies, dear friend, I do not have much to state on that front since there is none. The storyline is truly inane with characters slipping in and out faster than you can stand around and wonder how dumb these fools are.
Their conception of a teen resembles a dumb neurotic with an inferiority complex and an unforgiving itch to rebel and act cool at any cost. What do they have to do to pay the price of cooldom? Blurt out cool sounding phrases like dude, bhaggu, and similar sound bites to make up for real sentences. Rebel! Rebel! Rebel! Rebel against everything and everyone as if rebellion were going out of style. Have a posse of dumb sidekicks for constant reassurance. The last one actually does make sense. If I were as braindead as one of these characters, I would need my share of dumber nitwits to reassure me that a few more exist between me and the apes
A few must haves before watching the serial - a concrete wall, a Webster's dictionary (the full shebang - no abridged versions here) and a baseball bat. Bang your head on the concrete wall many times to achieve a state of delirium - the actual repetitions needed depend on your current state of delirium. Use the dictionary any time you feel yourself slipping out back into the intelligent world. Finally, when you reach a stage where life ceases to have all meaning, use the baseball bat to club yourself out of existence. (Please don't use the baseball bat on the TV since other people at home might be watching saner stuff)
The serial could be a useful tool for Zen buddhists for developing patience. The trouble is that you might be dead or get insane if you are not cut out to be a Zen Buddhist
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Sentenced to death by India Calling
''India Calling'' seems to be one of the dumbest shows I have seen on television in a long time. Hats off to Star One for this one. Its pure excruciating torture - a mix between a heady Suraj Barjatya concoction (need i say more than the phrases ''lousy feel good'' and ''sickening sweet''), a bad David Dhawan script (for the obvious crappy jokes) and a later day B grade Mithun flick (for the senseless script). Does it have a defined script or is someone making it up as the serial chugs along? There is no direction to the story except an obsessive inclination to instill a ''feel good'' factor and fake Indian pride.
Oh for godsakes get it over with... I can't take any more of the episodes. In fact, they are so apalling that I seem to have developed a masochistic streak to see if they can get any worse. And the director manages to surprise (read shock) me with ever trashier fare.
The engagement, trip to mumbai, search for sister, interview, re-interview, ...., the darts contest, the kabaddi match and the never-ending variants of the ''prove your Indianness'' contests. I wonder what they were smoking when they came up with this? Must be some really bad stuff (the ones that make you see giant roaches and reptiles)! Three episodes are potent enough to make one strangle oneself and to get Lord Yama's bull at the door to haul one off to the nether world. For once, it would be a blessing to be like the Gandhian monkeys.
A few suggestions for possible uses of the IC (India Calling) show
- Hand it to the CIA for use in fourth degree torture methods in Guantanamo Bay, Afghanistan and other places. The videos will have to be diluted with a bit of common sense to avoid risking eternal madness or a quick and easy death (Kind of like the 50-50 ad - isme sense bhi hai aur nonsense bhi)
- 3 video packs to jails as an aid to capital punishment (Sentenced to death by India Calling)
- Single video packs to jails for use in social rehabilitation programs. This will serve as a permanent deterrent for even the most hardened criminals.
- 3 episode Euthanasia packs for hospitals (also suicide packs for death seekers).
- A 6-Episode Indian Roulette pack. One in Six will be a non-IC video.
- Put a stop to cross-border terrorism by installing bullet-proof plasma screens on the border and relay these videos 24x7 every day
Oh for godsakes get it over with... I can't take any more of the episodes. In fact, they are so apalling that I seem to have developed a masochistic streak to see if they can get any worse. And the director manages to surprise (read shock) me with ever trashier fare.
The engagement, trip to mumbai, search for sister, interview, re-interview, ...., the darts contest, the kabaddi match and the never-ending variants of the ''prove your Indianness'' contests. I wonder what they were smoking when they came up with this? Must be some really bad stuff (the ones that make you see giant roaches and reptiles)! Three episodes are potent enough to make one strangle oneself and to get Lord Yama's bull at the door to haul one off to the nether world. For once, it would be a blessing to be like the Gandhian monkeys.
A few suggestions for possible uses of the IC (India Calling) show
- Hand it to the CIA for use in fourth degree torture methods in Guantanamo Bay, Afghanistan and other places. The videos will have to be diluted with a bit of common sense to avoid risking eternal madness or a quick and easy death (Kind of like the 50-50 ad - isme sense bhi hai aur nonsense bhi)
- 3 video packs to jails as an aid to capital punishment (Sentenced to death by India Calling)
- Single video packs to jails for use in social rehabilitation programs. This will serve as a permanent deterrent for even the most hardened criminals.
- 3 episode Euthanasia packs for hospitals (also suicide packs for death seekers).
- A 6-Episode Indian Roulette pack. One in Six will be a non-IC video.
- Put a stop to cross-border terrorism by installing bullet-proof plasma screens on the border and relay these videos 24x7 every day
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Ankhen - A sight for sore eyes
Before reading this, you need to get your bearings right by reading the synopsis of this masterpiece from the horse's mouth viz. Sagar Arts ("internationally legendary known Arabian Nights" alias Alif Laila alias 1001 Nights - Wow!!). BTW, Sagar Arts is owned by none other than Ramanand uncle of Ramayan fame who will always be remembered for bringing geometry and fractals to the masses (remember the arrow fights in the dvanda yudh). Surprisingly, these folks have made some really good serials like Ramayan (before Luv and Kush got in), Vikram aur Vetaal, Dada dadi ki kahaniya, etc. But their recent crop of crappy serials is unmatched this side of the Hindukush.
As the text and images suggest, the serial can be described in one word - CHEAP. Cheap script, cheap cast, cheap suits, cheap gun replicas, cheap graphics and so on. This serial was made after scraping the bottom of a barrel that was licked clean by a pack of ravenous cats. I have seen four or five episodes and they have completely blown my mind. It doesn't get any funnier or more pakavoo than this. The perfect ambience for this serial would require 2-3 glasses of your favorite arrack and the company of a few rowdy friends (preferably those who cannot sit idle without passing comments).
The top dog in this serial is Col Dhyanchand. For those curious ones, he looks like a mix between Dr. Ambedkar, Subash Chandra Bose and singer Abhijeet. The Col runs Gurukul, a top secret outfit, designed to take on enemies of the state. Dhyanchand's outfit is largely nondescript except for the adrenaline pumping Hardayal Singh (who sounds and acts like Duryodhana in Mahabharat). The enemies of the state are notorious killers Karlos (with a K) and Kangaroo (pronounced Kungaarooo) who sport Jamaican outfits, fake braided hair and demoniacal laughter.
The inane plots in this serial are more than well backed up with a virtual barrage of cheap graphics. Missiles, helicopters, explosions, stunts and what have you done by Jo Lukhas, the mele me bichda huva bhai of George Lucas, operating out of Beguserai, Bihar. The serial is peppered with memorable characters - Shehezada of Jaffar (the crown prince of Jaffar who is dressed like Raj Kapoor in Anadi), a bald man with fake eyebrows known only as His Highness from the kingdom of ChooChoo (or something similar - I was too busy laughing) to name a few.
I cannot reveal much more because this serial is like divine revelation - you have to experience it to believe it. For the uninitiated, this masterpiece is available for viewing on the DD national channel.
As the text and images suggest, the serial can be described in one word - CHEAP. Cheap script, cheap cast, cheap suits, cheap gun replicas, cheap graphics and so on. This serial was made after scraping the bottom of a barrel that was licked clean by a pack of ravenous cats. I have seen four or five episodes and they have completely blown my mind. It doesn't get any funnier or more pakavoo than this. The perfect ambience for this serial would require 2-3 glasses of your favorite arrack and the company of a few rowdy friends (preferably those who cannot sit idle without passing comments).
The top dog in this serial is Col Dhyanchand. For those curious ones, he looks like a mix between Dr. Ambedkar, Subash Chandra Bose and singer Abhijeet. The Col runs Gurukul, a top secret outfit, designed to take on enemies of the state. Dhyanchand's outfit is largely nondescript except for the adrenaline pumping Hardayal Singh (who sounds and acts like Duryodhana in Mahabharat). The enemies of the state are notorious killers Karlos (with a K) and Kangaroo (pronounced Kungaarooo) who sport Jamaican outfits, fake braided hair and demoniacal laughter.
The inane plots in this serial are more than well backed up with a virtual barrage of cheap graphics. Missiles, helicopters, explosions, stunts and what have you done by Jo Lukhas, the mele me bichda huva bhai of George Lucas, operating out of Beguserai, Bihar. The serial is peppered with memorable characters - Shehezada of Jaffar (the crown prince of Jaffar who is dressed like Raj Kapoor in Anadi), a bald man with fake eyebrows known only as His Highness from the kingdom of ChooChoo (or something similar - I was too busy laughing) to name a few.
I cannot reveal much more because this serial is like divine revelation - you have to experience it to believe it. For the uninitiated, this masterpiece is available for viewing on the DD national channel.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Too Behaal after watching Jo Bole So Nihaal
The story revolves around a Thumbless Jack a@s (oops i meant kick a@s) assassin called Romeo who is the go-to guy for anything bad a@s anywhere in the world (a la Carlos the Jackal. For those confused by the name, no, our assassin is not gay). How can one as shrewd and sharp as he, manage to stay out of everyone's sight? Easy! He deals with his clients through his live-in girlfriend. Of course, wouldn't that be the last place someone would look? Thumbless Jack has a soft underside. After a crime, he cannot do without a confession and ritual sacrifice of the priest. In a routine pumping of plastic explosive through water pipes to blow up a house (for those not in the know, it is standard procedure for half-witted assassins) followed by the ritual confession, TJ meets our venerable "No-If-No-But-Only Jutt" Jabba the Hutt of Punjab Police. Jabba's comic and TJ's emotional performance left me literally breathless (since there was no rope to strangle myself, the next best thing was to hold my breath till I was blue. Apt punishment for venturing to watch a Sunny Deol movie). By the time I regained my consciousness, TJ manages to get across a Paki border (conveniently left unmanned of course) while the BSF latch on to Jabba before he ends up hurting himself by trying to use his brains. Jabba becomes the the friendly neighbourhood traitor and all hell breaks loose for him and his family with TJ's capture being his only hope for salvation. What stays etched in my memory is Jabba the Hutt's gutt wrenching speech on the patriotism of the Jutts. In the meantime, TJ is busy cavorting in NY, with his girlfriend, as the owner of a dhaba that also doubles up as Chandni bar while I try to stay conscious through Jabba and his family's saga (including a song from Jabba's mother). The Supreme Intelligence heeds Jabba's fervent prayers (and mine) and leads a few scrawny Americans from the FBI to Jabba to help identify and catch the infamous TJ. What follows would make Abu Ghraib seem like a walk in the park. Before you can say, "Hey Raam, yeh dekhne ke pehele mere praan kyon nahi chale gaye", Jabba stuns you with a whole barrage of stale jokes, villager in the West gaffes, a lisp and a reverse lisp couple, a FBI desi hottie and TJ's botched bombing attempt for Al Fatah. Lobotomy without anaesthesia never felt more desirable. Things seem to fall apart with Jabba's pre-condition on parading TJ through his village before the law can take its course. Now Jabba dumps the FBI and is on his own with his mother (Don't ask!!!) and the FBI desi hottie for company (but of course) on the lookout for TJ. In the meantime, Al Fatah is on the lookout for TJ and his girlfriend for the botched bombing attempt. TJ is on the look out for Jabba for vengeance. On a cruise to the Bahamas, TJ becomes Tony the Jutt, Nihaal (alias for Jabba) becomes Behaal, brother of Nihaal (Don't ask!!!) and I become Behaal as well. Tony the Jutt is spotted by Jabba the Hutt when he forgets to say "Sat Sri Akal" to "Jo Bole so Nihaal" like any self respecting Jutt would do. Then in a wierd twist, the FBI chaps decide to kill the President and use TJ for the act. Then Jabba who is the only one who has seen TJ says he is TJ and TJ says he's TJ and the Jabba's village idiot says Jabba is TJ and ... At this point, the turn of events in the movie defied all known forms of human logic and ended up frying my brain and leaving me in a temporary vegetative state. Thankfully, on regaining my intelligence, I lost the grey cells that recorded the horrible "That whose crap must not be spoken" and woke up to TJ being paraded in Jabba's village for the only true punishment for a world famous terrorist. A chappal slap fest and muh kalah ritual from the entire village. God has been kind to me and I know that my life has been spared only to let others know of the horrific end that awaits those that dare to enter where angels (and common sense and logic) fear to tread. Word to the wise. This movie is not for the faint of heart. It is meant for professionals who have cut their teeth on movies by Subhash Ghai (remember Trimurti, Yaadein), later day Dev Anand, Mithun (Chandal!!), Garam Dharam, vintage Govinda (Ilzaam anyone??) and the like. Do not try this at home or in any movie theater without oxygen masks and emergency paramedical personnel on standby.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
