Sunday, May 29, 2005

Too Behaal after watching Jo Bole So Nihaal

The story revolves around a Thumbless Jack a@s (oops i meant kick a@s) assassin called Romeo who is the go-to guy for anything bad a@s anywhere in the world (a la Carlos the Jackal. For those confused by the name, no, our assassin is not gay). How can one as shrewd and sharp as he, manage to stay out of everyone's sight? Easy! He deals with his clients through his live-in girlfriend. Of course, wouldn't that be the last place someone would look? Thumbless Jack has a soft underside. After a crime, he cannot do without a confession and ritual sacrifice of the priest. In a routine pumping of plastic explosive through water pipes to blow up a house (for those not in the know, it is standard procedure for half-witted assassins) followed by the ritual confession, TJ meets our venerable "No-If-No-But-Only Jutt" Jabba the Hutt of Punjab Police. Jabba's comic and TJ's emotional performance left me literally breathless (since there was no rope to strangle myself, the next best thing was to hold my breath till I was blue. Apt punishment for venturing to watch a Sunny Deol movie). By the time I regained my consciousness, TJ manages to get across a Paki border (conveniently left unmanned of course) while the BSF latch on to Jabba before he ends up hurting himself by trying to use his brains. Jabba becomes the the friendly neighbourhood traitor and all hell breaks loose for him and his family with TJ's capture being his only hope for salvation. What stays etched in my memory is Jabba the Hutt's gutt wrenching speech on the patriotism of the Jutts. In the meantime, TJ is busy cavorting in NY, with his girlfriend, as the owner of a dhaba that also doubles up as Chandni bar while I try to stay conscious through Jabba and his family's saga (including a song from Jabba's mother). The Supreme Intelligence heeds Jabba's fervent prayers (and mine) and leads a few scrawny Americans from the FBI to Jabba to help identify and catch the infamous TJ. What follows would make Abu Ghraib seem like a walk in the park. Before you can say, "Hey Raam, yeh dekhne ke pehele mere praan kyon nahi chale gaye", Jabba stuns you with a whole barrage of stale jokes, villager in the West gaffes, a lisp and a reverse lisp couple, a FBI desi hottie and TJ's botched bombing attempt for Al Fatah. Lobotomy without anaesthesia never felt more desirable. Things seem to fall apart with Jabba's pre-condition on parading TJ through his village before the law can take its course. Now Jabba dumps the FBI and is on his own with his mother (Don't ask!!!) and the FBI desi hottie for company (but of course) on the lookout for TJ. In the meantime, Al Fatah is on the lookout for TJ and his girlfriend for the botched bombing attempt. TJ is on the look out for Jabba for vengeance. On a cruise to the Bahamas, TJ becomes Tony the Jutt, Nihaal (alias for Jabba) becomes Behaal, brother of Nihaal (Don't ask!!!) and I become Behaal as well. Tony the Jutt is spotted by Jabba the Hutt when he forgets to say "Sat Sri Akal" to "Jo Bole so Nihaal" like any self respecting Jutt would do. Then in a wierd twist, the FBI chaps decide to kill the President and use TJ for the act. Then Jabba who is the only one who has seen TJ says he is TJ and TJ says he's TJ and the Jabba's village idiot says Jabba is TJ and ... At this point, the turn of events in the movie defied all known forms of human logic and ended up frying my brain and leaving me in a temporary vegetative state. Thankfully, on regaining my intelligence, I lost the grey cells that recorded the horrible "That whose crap must not be spoken" and woke up to TJ being paraded in Jabba's village for the only true punishment for a world famous terrorist. A chappal slap fest and muh kalah ritual from the entire village. God has been kind to me and I know that my life has been spared only to let others know of the horrific end that awaits those that dare to enter where angels (and common sense and logic) fear to tread. Word to the wise. This movie is not for the faint of heart. It is meant for professionals who have cut their teeth on movies by Subhash Ghai (remember Trimurti, Yaadein), later day Dev Anand, Mithun (Chandal!!), Garam Dharam, vintage Govinda (Ilzaam anyone??) and the like. Do not try this at home or in any movie theater without oxygen masks and emergency paramedical personnel on standby.