Sunday, October 29, 2006

Why do Superheroes wear undies

It seems to be a commonly expected phenomenon. Yet I have not seen anyone delve into the basics of why undies on pants. The dearth of research on so important a subject is appalling. After several years of pain staking research involving austere penances in the Himalayas, generous doses of Sweet Leaf, thousands of hours worth of comics and Cartoon Network, I have found the reason for the undies.

Superheroes are always on the run. They spend most of their time flying in the sky, running around city blocks, cavorting with pretty women and the like. What can they do if they have to take a dump or a leak when the world needs them most? Most superheroes are just as anatomically challenged as we are when it comes to excretionary processes. Well, a few from outer space like Superman have been spared this daily ordeal but they are the exception rather than the rule.

Anyone who has been required to hold back a dump or a leak knows how hard it is? Also, this malaise usually hits you when you are in deep s**t (pun intended) which is generally what most superheroes are in, most of the time. Imagine yourself holding back your excretions while fighting supervillains with the involvement of super powers on either end. It takes a lot of effort just keeping up in the fight and not getting your a$$ whupped by a supervillain. But as all of us bladder challenged know, (intuitively I hope for most of us and for the unfortunate few through the stains of experience) a small loss of focus is the difference between success and failure.

Well, to cut a long story short, our superheroes have no options but to crap their pants. Obviously, it won't look good if superheroes have stains on their pants. I still think that it would be good for the world. Why? Most supervillains would give up the fight and die in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Yet, any supervillain without a sense of humor would sound the death knell for the world. Hence, probably that's not the solution. Now, our superheroes are generally, as a rule, troubled beings with deep complexes. Hence, carrying on a fight with stained pants is not such a good idea for our superheros' confidence.

Now, onto the brilliant solution, a diaper shaped undie with a cool belt to take attention away from the "crime scene". Simple, eh! You would still have the squelchy feeling which I think would not be fun. But then again, when you are being pounded by one or more supervillains, the pain helps keep the focus on the fight. An intelligent reader could argue in favor of superhero sanitary napkins. But then most superhero comics would be adult-fare out of reach for all children. Can you think of a reason for the bulge in the pants other than a overdose of Viagra?

Now why does Superman wear a undie? Well, it is a show of solidarity, a superhero union requirement and mostly a red herring to throw people off and mask what would be superheroes' biggest weakness!!!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The THE movies

Bollywood, if you noticed has a commonly accepted, unwritten for movies titles. Quite a few movie titles have adopted this nomenclature.
The nomenclature: {Hindi title}: the {English title}

Here is a list of some of "the" movies for your knowledge!
Aatish: Feel the Fire
Aastha: In the Prison of Spring
Angaar: The Fire
Ansh: The Deadly Part
Bhumika: The Role
Biwi-O-Biwi: The Fun-Film
Chhal: The Game of Death
Dhaal: The Battle of Law Against Law
Dhund: The Fog
Dil Aashna Hai (...The Heart Knows)
Ehsaas: The Feeling
Ek Rishtaa: The Bond of Love
Encounter: The Killing
Gautama the Buddha
Ghaav: The Wound
Giddh: The Vulture
Gupt: The Hidden Truth
Hatya: The Murder
Humse Badhkar Kaun: The Entertainer
Inteqam: The Perfect Game
Iyer the Great
Jaal: The Trap
Karobaar: The Business of Love
Karz: The Burden of Truth
Khamoshi: The Musical
Khanjar: The Knife
Khooni Ilaaka: The Prohibited Area
Kisna: The Warrior Poet
Kohram: The Explosion
Kumkum the Dancer
Manorama: The Legend
Manu the Great
Miss India: The Mystery
Mudda: The Issue
Nayak: The Real Hero
Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose: The Forgotten Hero
Pandavas: The Five Warriors
Pehchaan: The Face of Truth
Phoolan: The First Rebel
Prahaar: The Final Attack
Ramayana: The Legend of Prince Rama
Rocky: The Rebel
Suraag: The Clue
Saawan: The Love Season
Sanatta: The Silence
Sansani: The Sensation
Sarhad: The Border of Crime
Shakti: The Power
Shart: The Challenge
Shivaji: The Boss
Souten: The Other Woman
Sur: The Melody of Life
Taarzan: The Wonder Car
Talaash: The Hunt Begins
Vaastav: The Reality
Vajra: The Weapon
Veerappan: The Last Bandit
Waqt: The Race Against Time
Zameer: The Awakening of a Soul

The-Movies with similar english title and same Hindi title:
Insaaf: The Final Justice (1997)
Insaaf: The Justice (2004)

The-Movies with the same english title
Konarak: The Sun Temple (1949)
Konrak: The Sun Temple (1983)

The-Movies that modified the nomenclature!
The Death Sentence: Mrityu Dand
The Hero: Love Story of a Spy
Daud: Fun on the Run
Antarmahal: Views of the Inner Chamber
Jeet: Feel the Force
Kagaar: Life on the Edge

Movies with missing Hindi title:
The Great Gambler
The Goal
The Killer
The Gentleman
The Gang
The Fire
The Film
The Don
The Car

And the award for the best "the-title" movie in Bollywood goes to:
Kutta: the Dog!
Well, you might not heard about this movie. This is a nested movie. This movie was made inside another Bollywood movie: Bhola in Bollywood. So if you want more information on this award winning movie, you will have to watch Bhola in Bollywood.

TATA- The good bye

The "Chaddi Gal" is back in "The Killer"

Chaddi Gal kaun?

You probably haven't read my James review.

I am referring to Nisha Kothari. She was introduced by Ramu in Sarkar and unleashed (literally) again by Ramu in James. She did sound like a promising "figure" in the new line of exposure. But I must say her charm is not showing up any longer. To my dismay she was wrapped in a saree instead of small chaddis in The-Killer! We might have to wait for Ramu to reincarnate the chaddi gal with better outfit.

Moving ahead ... lets discuss the movie.

Why did I see the movie?
Obviously because I had time and a dollar to spare. But on a serious note, I like to watch Irfan Khan on screen. Remember his movie "7½ Phere" with Juhi,. He acted so well.

Movie name is missing.
As per the popular Bollywood nomenclature (Daag: the fire, Gupt: The Hidden Truth, Daud: Fun on the Run, etc), this movie has a missing title. "The Killer" as per Bollywood nomenclature is only the second part of the title. Where is the first part? here are some suggestions:
Khuni: The Killer
Tharki: The Killer
For an extensive list of "the" movies, see the following post.

They did it again!
Again they made a movie in which the police show up on time and kill the villian; hero-heroine sing ding-dong happily ever after. BTW, "police show up on time" is justified by the fact that we are not talking about Indian Police, this is Dubai police.

I wish they killed the hero:
The fact that "Imran Hashmi" is an hero in any Bollywood movie, is so untolerable. I would love to watch Tushar Kapoor more than Hashmi. Irfan Pathan looks good in his "villain, the killer" role. I was really hoping that Irfan kills Hashmi in the final sequence, but that didn't happen. Think about this: Chaddi gal kills Hashmi for some XYZ reason, and finally chaddi-gal runs away with the Killer for some ABC reason! Wah, kya ending hota!!!!!

The distance traveled by any Hindi movie for its shoot is directly proportional to the finance and the fees of people involved in it. For instance, it is obvious to expect Karan Johar's movie with Shah Rukh Khan and Preity to be shot in probably the farthest most expensive place: New York. The most expensive possession in "the Killer" was Irfan Khan. Obviously the producers were on a tight budget after paying Irfan. With budget so tight, cast so unworthy and demand of script to be shot in a foreign location (Note: The main theme of this movie is Police on time which cannot happen in India). So where do you go? Dubai-eeeeeeee! Dubai perfectly fits in the equation.
  • It is foreign, technically.
  • Rates of Dubai air ticket are equal or less then the Mumbai-Delhi ticket.
  • You have Hindi/Urdu speaking people, so you can design your script better.
  • It becomes easy for you to sell your movie in the middle east.
  • Dubai looks more foreign then any other affordable foreign locations.

Bottom line:
Watch the movie only with friends on small screen. Do not expect a lot from the chaddi gal. Irfan Khan is average. Movie script is stolen from Hollywood movie and executed in the typical Bhat e-style. Songs i.e. item numbers, are just average. You might like the very first item number! Chaddi-gal did do a little jalwa in it.

time+dimaag ka dahi+expectations-bad performance-no innovation-no heat=paisa barbad

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Asinine, puerile vomit of an excuse for an ad

You have to check out the new Emami "Fair and Handsome" ad that's on the telly these days. A young man scampers around surreptiously in a ladies hostel. Is he a cross dresser looking for women's clothes? Is he a pervert looking for lingerie? Is he a peeping Tom looking for a steamy scene? Nope, he is a dark man looking for good old Fair and Lovely fairness cream. What drives this man to go through all this trouble rather than checking his friendly neighborhood medical store? Beats me. Is Emami trying to pass a subliminal message that ''Dark is dumb'' along with the ''Dark is ugly'' message? Maybe, they have a ''Fair and Handsome and Intelligent'' product coming up.

Anyways, the women get to know, scream and chase him. A passing male jogger and our dark desperado hide behind the flower pots to avoid the bashing to follow. Our innocent jogging partner is not mad about getting needlessly stuck in this jamboree but pissed at the fact that our dark desperado is a man and is still using women's fairness cream. Miffed and without his fix (of Fair and Lovely fairness cream), our dark desperado gets the Aakashvaani (divine voice from Emami) informing him of the Fair and Handsome product. Daily application of the same for 6-8 weeks and, voila, our dark desperado is transformed from his hideous decrepit dark self into a fair and handsome young man. He metamorphoses into a veritable chick magnet with cries of ''Hi Handsome'' from women rending the air.

Can anything be more dumb than this? A reality check is in order. If a man would enter a ladies hostel, he would be looking for fair and lovely and not ''Fair and Lovely''. Emami has made a whole business out of the Indian dark skin inferiority complex. The product is a stupid concept since it cures the wrong problem - the problem is in the mind not the complexion.

But this asinine, puerile vomit of an excuse for an ad makes me want to administer a can of whupass on the admen responsible for it.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Kkkkya hoga Nikkkkammo kkka

When I saw the serial "Kya Hoga Nimmo Ka", the phrase ''Majha Kkkhauuu mala dya'' came to mind - which in Marathi means ''Give me my food''. In Mumbai, this is the sign on most trashcans (the only places you are not supposed to spit and throw garbage) which is where this stinkipuss belongs. BTW, the extra K's in the phrase and the title are in keeping with the fetish of its creator. Yup, this foray into non-soapish detergents is from the mother of all malodorous soaps - the dreaded Ekta Kapoor of Balaji Telefillums.

What is this serial you might ask? A happy go lucky middle class simpleton with a heart of gold and a special relationship with God. In other words, a Jassi wanna-be with a twist. Jassi took off on Sony and the me-toos were not too far behind. The glasses are gone but sickening sweet and innocent are still there in big shades (pun intended). Its no wonder that garbage also rhymes with cabbage. So if you miss Jassi and your medication is not working or your psychiatrist is out on vacation, this sweet and sour Lassi will do wonders to your already crumbling sanity.

Most episodes so far showcase Nimmo's finer qualities or are littered with Nimmo's cribs with God which seems to be the highlight of this serial. Needless to say, it grinds on your nerves since the episodes are reinforced with serious bouts of overacting. I wish God would get pissed and end our misery with a well directed bolt of lightning. Lassi is ably assisted by a few props (I mean actors) - two bimbo sisters, an irritating bald father, a nondescript mother and a super irritating maid - who so far have not added much to the story line. God is played by none other than the (Ab)Surd King of Senseless Verbiage, Navjot Singh Sidhu. Its funny how Ekkie baby goes out of her way with the numerology and astrology thingies and then does something to piss God off. All the more reason for that much desired seering bolt from the blue.

At this point, the Cinderella bits are in the process of development with two (yes you heard me right) Prince Charmings. The serial can be termed as irritating at this point in time. But I count myself among the ''udathe huve parinde ke par ginne vale'' types in spotting a crappy serial in its infancy. And this one has all the hallmarks of one right now - from the actors to the script. A love story is cooking and the stink will soon hit the fan. If scraping nails on a blackboard is your pasttime, you would do well to add yourself to this serial's viewership. Otherwise, like the rest of us, put on your raincoats and dive for cover.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Move over Rover, a load of crap is taking over

Star One started out to be a haven for those sick and tired of the saas-bahu types. Initially, it had a good mix of serials - The Great Indian Laughter Challenge, The Great Indian Comedy Show, Nach Baliye, Instant Khichdi, Special Squad, Dil Kya Chahta hai, Bluff Master, Men Maange More and the like. Of course, they had their share of horrendous ones. I'll sum them up with one nightmarish representative - Remix. Well, it's good enough if you hit more than you miss. Further, this could have been part of Star Care social service to keep the IQ challenged occupied and unperturbed by thought or reason.

Off late, the channel has gone to the dogs. Some serials ran out of steam and some died a natural death. The popular ones have been resurrected with garish make-up and a fervent hope that no ones notices the stench. Examples are Nach Baliye in a new form and Laughter Challenge II. A few more braindead serials for the IQ challenged have been introduced to give Remix company. Case in point - ''India Appalling'' (read ''India Calling'') and 'Yeh Dil Maange More'. Now horror of horrors - the K brigade has been let in through the backdoor. Yup, none other than the pride of Balaji Telefilms and the 'that-whose-name-must-not-be-spoken' who made TV inaccessible to the IQ-more-than-vegetables audience - Ekkkkta KKKKapoor. She has introduced one more nasty piece of poop - Kya Hoga Nikammo ka. Or is it Nimmo ka? Who the hell cares? It is a bucketload of drivel nonetheless.

In short, being different and entertaining takes time, effort and brains which I think the channel has decided not to expend. To use the logic of George from Seinfeld, the serials on this channel are being made with the assumption that people will watch it because it's on TV. It's much easier to be mediocre and that's where I guess the channel is fading away. This (com)mode of mediocre entertainment is a paid channel which makes me want to call up my cable operator and ask for my 'mon' back and sue for damages. My suggestion would be to rename the channel Scar One

Pros: Most of the serials in this channel could be effectively used in psychometric tests to detect lack of brain activity and differentiate between vegetative and intelligent states. This, of course, can only be experimented on born vegetables because even comatose patients would make a run for the door if subjected to the crap dished out by this channel. See now there's a plus (but I guess that honor has already been garnered by the other Plus - Star Plus)

Cons: This channel could be a conspiracy hatched by orthodox hawkish neo-conservative groups in the US in connivance with News Corp (owners of Star and Fox) for state propaganda in enemy states (India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Middle East, etc) to dumb down their generations to come. But then again, this channel cannot wreak more havoc than Star Plus. :-)

Monday, March 13, 2006

Be cool or be dead

I am speechless and lost for words as I write this review for this serial "Remix" on Star One. No words can describe the load of crap heaped by Star One on unsuspecting viewers. To describe Remix in one sentence ''Four dumb-as* nitwits and their friends suffering from a deep rooted urge to look cool''

The story revolves around Maurya high - a school for the dimwitted. Freaks of the world unite! Freedom is at hand and Star One's the stage to parade it. The chains are off and all the numbskulls can now rejoice and show their wares in this Dumb and Dumber extravaganza.

The protagonist's in this story are four
This piece of s**t should rhyme with bore
If you see it and desire more
Its time to check your IQ score

Anyways, the four specimens in this serial are - An industrialist's bimbo daughter who refers to herself in the third person, a i-try-way-too-hard-to-be-cool politician's son, a non-conformist star actress's daughter and a i-have-come-up-the-hard-way rural fart who also sometimes refers to himself in the third person (and is paired with the bimbo of course). A pluralist group with a defined ethos - Be cool or be dead. They wish they were cool and I wish they were dead.

You got to hand it to Star One for this beaut. This experience is akin to getting waxed in the pubic area. Not that I have tried it but this would be darn close. Few of you might wonder why I am not relating the story for this masterpiece. Humble apologies, dear friend, I do not have much to state on that front since there is none. The storyline is truly inane with characters slipping in and out faster than you can stand around and wonder how dumb these fools are.

Their conception of a teen resembles a dumb neurotic with an inferiority complex and an unforgiving itch to rebel and act cool at any cost. What do they have to do to pay the price of cooldom? Blurt out cool sounding phrases like dude, bhaggu, and similar sound bites to make up for real sentences. Rebel! Rebel! Rebel! Rebel against everything and everyone as if rebellion were going out of style. Have a posse of dumb sidekicks for constant reassurance. The last one actually does make sense. If I were as braindead as one of these characters, I would need my share of dumber nitwits to reassure me that a few more exist between me and the apes

A few must haves before watching the serial - a concrete wall, a Webster's dictionary (the full shebang - no abridged versions here) and a baseball bat. Bang your head on the concrete wall many times to achieve a state of delirium - the actual repetitions needed depend on your current state of delirium. Use the dictionary any time you feel yourself slipping out back into the intelligent world. Finally, when you reach a stage where life ceases to have all meaning, use the baseball bat to club yourself out of existence. (Please don't use the baseball bat on the TV since other people at home might be watching saner stuff)

The serial could be a useful tool for Zen buddhists for developing patience. The trouble is that you might be dead or get insane if you are not cut out to be a Zen Buddhist

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Sentenced to death by India Calling

''India Calling'' seems to be one of the dumbest shows I have seen on television in a long time. Hats off to Star One for this one. Its pure excruciating torture - a mix between a heady Suraj Barjatya concoction (need i say more than the phrases ''lousy feel good'' and ''sickening sweet''), a bad David Dhawan script (for the obvious crappy jokes) and a later day B grade Mithun flick (for the senseless script). Does it have a defined script or is someone making it up as the serial chugs along? There is no direction to the story except an obsessive inclination to instill a ''feel good'' factor and fake Indian pride.

Oh for godsakes get it over with... I can't take any more of the episodes. In fact, they are so apalling that I seem to have developed a masochistic streak to see if they can get any worse. And the director manages to surprise (read shock) me with ever trashier fare.

The engagement, trip to mumbai, search for sister, interview, re-interview, ...., the darts contest, the kabaddi match and the never-ending variants of the ''prove your Indianness'' contests. I wonder what they were smoking when they came up with this? Must be some really bad stuff (the ones that make you see giant roaches and reptiles)! Three episodes are potent enough to make one strangle oneself and to get Lord Yama's bull at the door to haul one off to the nether world. For once, it would be a blessing to be like the Gandhian monkeys.

A few suggestions for possible uses of the IC (India Calling) show
- Hand it to the CIA for use in fourth degree torture methods in Guantanamo Bay, Afghanistan and other places. The videos will have to be diluted with a bit of common sense to avoid risking eternal madness or a quick and easy death (Kind of like the 50-50 ad - isme sense bhi hai aur nonsense bhi)
- 3 video packs to jails as an aid to capital punishment (Sentenced to death by India Calling)
- Single video packs to jails for use in social rehabilitation programs. This will serve as a permanent deterrent for even the most hardened criminals.
- 3 episode Euthanasia packs for hospitals (also suicide packs for death seekers).
- A 6-Episode Indian Roulette pack. One in Six will be a non-IC video.
- Put a stop to cross-border terrorism by installing bullet-proof plasma screens on the border and relay these videos 24x7 every day