Sunday, October 29, 2006

Why do Superheroes wear undies

It seems to be a commonly expected phenomenon. Yet I have not seen anyone delve into the basics of why undies on pants. The dearth of research on so important a subject is appalling. After several years of pain staking research involving austere penances in the Himalayas, generous doses of Sweet Leaf, thousands of hours worth of comics and Cartoon Network, I have found the reason for the undies.

Superheroes are always on the run. They spend most of their time flying in the sky, running around city blocks, cavorting with pretty women and the like. What can they do if they have to take a dump or a leak when the world needs them most? Most superheroes are just as anatomically challenged as we are when it comes to excretionary processes. Well, a few from outer space like Superman have been spared this daily ordeal but they are the exception rather than the rule.

Anyone who has been required to hold back a dump or a leak knows how hard it is? Also, this malaise usually hits you when you are in deep s**t (pun intended) which is generally what most superheroes are in, most of the time. Imagine yourself holding back your excretions while fighting supervillains with the involvement of super powers on either end. It takes a lot of effort just keeping up in the fight and not getting your a$$ whupped by a supervillain. But as all of us bladder challenged know, (intuitively I hope for most of us and for the unfortunate few through the stains of experience) a small loss of focus is the difference between success and failure.

Well, to cut a long story short, our superheroes have no options but to crap their pants. Obviously, it won't look good if superheroes have stains on their pants. I still think that it would be good for the world. Why? Most supervillains would give up the fight and die in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Yet, any supervillain without a sense of humor would sound the death knell for the world. Hence, probably that's not the solution. Now, our superheroes are generally, as a rule, troubled beings with deep complexes. Hence, carrying on a fight with stained pants is not such a good idea for our superheros' confidence.

Now, onto the brilliant solution, a diaper shaped undie with a cool belt to take attention away from the "crime scene". Simple, eh! You would still have the squelchy feeling which I think would not be fun. But then again, when you are being pounded by one or more supervillains, the pain helps keep the focus on the fight. An intelligent reader could argue in favor of superhero sanitary napkins. But then most superhero comics would be adult-fare out of reach for all children. Can you think of a reason for the bulge in the pants other than a overdose of Viagra?

Now why does Superman wear a undie? Well, it is a show of solidarity, a superhero union requirement and mostly a red herring to throw people off and mask what would be superheroes' biggest weakness!!!