Sunday, March 26, 2006

Move over Rover, a load of crap is taking over

Star One started out to be a haven for those sick and tired of the saas-bahu types. Initially, it had a good mix of serials - The Great Indian Laughter Challenge, The Great Indian Comedy Show, Nach Baliye, Instant Khichdi, Special Squad, Dil Kya Chahta hai, Bluff Master, Men Maange More and the like. Of course, they had their share of horrendous ones. I'll sum them up with one nightmarish representative - Remix. Well, it's good enough if you hit more than you miss. Further, this could have been part of Star Care social service to keep the IQ challenged occupied and unperturbed by thought or reason.

Off late, the channel has gone to the dogs. Some serials ran out of steam and some died a natural death. The popular ones have been resurrected with garish make-up and a fervent hope that no ones notices the stench. Examples are Nach Baliye in a new form and Laughter Challenge II. A few more braindead serials for the IQ challenged have been introduced to give Remix company. Case in point - ''India Appalling'' (read ''India Calling'') and 'Yeh Dil Maange More'. Now horror of horrors - the K brigade has been let in through the backdoor. Yup, none other than the pride of Balaji Telefilms and the 'that-whose-name-must-not-be-spoken' who made TV inaccessible to the IQ-more-than-vegetables audience - Ekkkkta KKKKapoor. She has introduced one more nasty piece of poop - Kya Hoga Nikammo ka. Or is it Nimmo ka? Who the hell cares? It is a bucketload of drivel nonetheless.

In short, being different and entertaining takes time, effort and brains which I think the channel has decided not to expend. To use the logic of George from Seinfeld, the serials on this channel are being made with the assumption that people will watch it because it's on TV. It's much easier to be mediocre and that's where I guess the channel is fading away. This (com)mode of mediocre entertainment is a paid channel which makes me want to call up my cable operator and ask for my 'mon' back and sue for damages. My suggestion would be to rename the channel Scar One

Pros: Most of the serials in this channel could be effectively used in psychometric tests to detect lack of brain activity and differentiate between vegetative and intelligent states. This, of course, can only be experimented on born vegetables because even comatose patients would make a run for the door if subjected to the crap dished out by this channel. See now there's a plus (but I guess that honor has already been garnered by the other Plus - Star Plus)

Cons: This channel could be a conspiracy hatched by orthodox hawkish neo-conservative groups in the US in connivance with News Corp (owners of Star and Fox) for state propaganda in enemy states (India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Middle East, etc) to dumb down their generations to come. But then again, this channel cannot wreak more havoc than Star Plus. :-)

Monday, March 13, 2006

Be cool or be dead

I am speechless and lost for words as I write this review for this serial "Remix" on Star One. No words can describe the load of crap heaped by Star One on unsuspecting viewers. To describe Remix in one sentence ''Four dumb-as* nitwits and their friends suffering from a deep rooted urge to look cool''

The story revolves around Maurya high - a school for the dimwitted. Freaks of the world unite! Freedom is at hand and Star One's the stage to parade it. The chains are off and all the numbskulls can now rejoice and show their wares in this Dumb and Dumber extravaganza.

The protagonist's in this story are four
This piece of s**t should rhyme with bore
If you see it and desire more
Its time to check your IQ score

Anyways, the four specimens in this serial are - An industrialist's bimbo daughter who refers to herself in the third person, a i-try-way-too-hard-to-be-cool politician's son, a non-conformist star actress's daughter and a i-have-come-up-the-hard-way rural fart who also sometimes refers to himself in the third person (and is paired with the bimbo of course). A pluralist group with a defined ethos - Be cool or be dead. They wish they were cool and I wish they were dead.

You got to hand it to Star One for this beaut. This experience is akin to getting waxed in the pubic area. Not that I have tried it but this would be darn close. Few of you might wonder why I am not relating the story for this masterpiece. Humble apologies, dear friend, I do not have much to state on that front since there is none. The storyline is truly inane with characters slipping in and out faster than you can stand around and wonder how dumb these fools are.

Their conception of a teen resembles a dumb neurotic with an inferiority complex and an unforgiving itch to rebel and act cool at any cost. What do they have to do to pay the price of cooldom? Blurt out cool sounding phrases like dude, bhaggu, and similar sound bites to make up for real sentences. Rebel! Rebel! Rebel! Rebel against everything and everyone as if rebellion were going out of style. Have a posse of dumb sidekicks for constant reassurance. The last one actually does make sense. If I were as braindead as one of these characters, I would need my share of dumber nitwits to reassure me that a few more exist between me and the apes

A few must haves before watching the serial - a concrete wall, a Webster's dictionary (the full shebang - no abridged versions here) and a baseball bat. Bang your head on the concrete wall many times to achieve a state of delirium - the actual repetitions needed depend on your current state of delirium. Use the dictionary any time you feel yourself slipping out back into the intelligent world. Finally, when you reach a stage where life ceases to have all meaning, use the baseball bat to club yourself out of existence. (Please don't use the baseball bat on the TV since other people at home might be watching saner stuff)

The serial could be a useful tool for Zen buddhists for developing patience. The trouble is that you might be dead or get insane if you are not cut out to be a Zen Buddhist